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iPad Sadness: The 10 stupidest Apple apps ever
Apple promises that all iPhone apps will work on the iPad, too. Even the one that, tragically, blows out your birthday candles
 
The iPhone "Blower" app allows you to blow out birthday candles - without ever taking a breath
The iPhone "Blower" app allows you to blow out birthday candles - without ever taking a breath
Product screenshot

"There's an app for that!" Coined in 2008 when Apple first rolled out iPhone applications, this slogan proved eerily prescient. The 150,000 apps iTunes sells can take you from cradle ("Contraction Master") to grave (the heartbeat detecting "iStetho Adapter"). Now, with the April 3 release of the iPad slate computer, even more apps for even more micro-specific human "needs" will be hitting the market. A look back at some of the most ridiculous apps to date (all of which will reportedly function on the new device, too):

1. For people too lazy to blow out their own birthday cake candles: Blower Real Air will convince your iPhone or iPad to emit small puffs of air that can also apparently be used to blow loose herbs around your kitchen counter.

2. For insecure Casanovas: Passion measures sexual prowess by gauging the rhythm and volume of your exertions. "Put the iPhone on the bed, in an arm band, or even in a pocket and have intercourse...it's easy as that!" claims the developer. Pleased with your results? "Go online and see how well you did against the rest of the world!"

3. For those who multitask to a dangerous degree: Bump into people while you're texting? Email'n'Walk uses the iPhone's camera to display the path ahead of you on your screen while you type away.

4. For incompetent kissers: Sasamekisscomi, a Japanese application, purports to teach iPhone users how to smooch. When you press your lips against the screen, an "amazingly beautiful" anime character gives users a "private lesson" that will come handy next time you kiss a plate-glass window. 

5. For budding Fascists: iMussolini gives you access to a complete database of audio, video and text from Italy's notorious dictator. In the aftermath of this app's controversial Italian release, its developer hastily promised to develop a more pacifist app called iGhandi. 

6. For simpletons: Hold the Button invites you to, well, press a button. And hold it down. For as long as you can. Implausibly, its developer claims Hold the Button has "captivated over 250,000 players from around the world!" (Watch one enthusiast at work.)

7. For lone Tea Partiers: There's an app for satisfying your anti-government-protest urges. Tea Party Finder "uses your location to find nearby Tea Party groups... or Tea Party events," says The Huffington Post, a tech-savvy innovation that flies in the face of "those who dismiss the Tea Party movement as a bunch of rednecks."

8. For nerdy moms-to-be: Contraction Master is a must-have iPhone app companion to childbirth. This app times length and duration of contractions; particularly intrigued birthing mothers can even review their agony in the app's "contraction log history." Unfortunately, this iPhone app lacks one crucial command: the ability to dial 911.

9. For those who need to perform citizens' arrests: Respect My Authoriti allows you pull an image of a police-badge on your screen, flash it at ne'er-do-wells, and watch them walk right past you.

10. For the morbidly paranoid: The iStetho Adapter allows you to plug an old-fashioned stethoscope into your iPhone so it can measure your heartbeat. While the iPhone application and the stethoscope adapter are designed for "recreational use" rather than for medical purposes, iStetho may help convince overly obsessive apps users that they are still alive.

 

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