ike everyone else in America, "I hate BP," says Scott Adams in The Wall Street Journal. But unlike most Americans, the Dilbert creator decided now was the perfect time to buy some of its stock. "I have a theory that you should invest in the companies you hate the most," he writes. As an investor, you want to be on the side of the most devious plutocrats in the market. And besides, all the other ways to determine where to invest your money have "exactly the same scientific validity as pretending you are a witch and forecasting market moves from chicken droppings." But how do you morally justify investing in a company like BP?
"Apparently BP has its own navy, a small air force, and enough money to build floating cities on the sea, most of which are still upright. If there's oil on the moon, BP will be the first to send a hose into space and suck on the moon until it's the size of a grapefruit. As an investor, that's the side I want to be on, with BP, not the loser moon.
... If you buy stock in a despicable company, it means some of the previous owners of that company sold it to you. If the stock then rises more than the market average, you successfully screwed the previous owners of the hated company. That's exactly like justice, only better because you made a profit. Then you can sell your stocks for a gain and donate all of your earnings to good causes, such as education for your own kids."
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- 31 TV shows to watch in 2014
- Why I'm a pro-life liberal
- He said he was leaving. She ignored him.
- Why we can't stop procrastinating, according to science
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- If a nuclear bomb exploded in downtown Washington, what should you do?
- How Ukraine can fend off the Russians, in 7 simple steps
- How to flirt, according to science
- Game of Thrones recap: 'The Lion and the Rose'
- How to be more satisfied with your life, according to science
Subscribe to the Week