Welcome to The Week's "What Next?" contest, an invitation to test your powers of imagination with challenges inspired by current events.
Results In light of the newly diagnosed "pedestrian aggressiveness syndrome," we asked you to coin another pathological malady found in everyday life.
THE WINNER: Amkeysia: The ability to recall the lyrics to every Elton John song, but not where you put your keys five minutes ago
Mary Wu, Naperville
SECOND PLACE: CEFS (Compulsive E-mail Fowarding Syndrome), in which people feel compelled to forward notes, jokes, or articles of miniscule importance to everyone on their mailing list
Morton Ginsberg, East Norriton, PA
THIRD PLACE: B.I.N. (Burrito-Induced Narcolepsy)
Chris Perin, New York City
Medicothermia: The fear that a medical instrument about to touch your body will be very cold
Miles Klein, Frisco, TX
Obsessive Pedantic Syndrome: The inability to read a Facebook status update without replying with a correction of the spelling or grammar
Mark Terry, Chapel Hill, NC
Irritable Vowel Syndrome: Annoyance at people who say, "anyhoo" for "anyhow"
Edmund Conti, Raleigh, NC
Microwave Beep Avoidance Syndrome: Stopping the microwave a few seconds early so you don’t have to hear it beep
Lisa Schrader, Woodstock, CT
Café Latte Nervosa: Anger afflicting some café patrons when they feel they are expected to tip the barista after already spending $4.50 on a cup of coffee
Elizabeth Jahn, Lee Center, IL
Dropped Call Dysphoria
Kenja Seuberling, Lebanon, OH
Bankers' Bonus Bulimia: Uncontrollable urge to vomit when hearing about banker bonus pay
Robert Cooper, Barrington, RI
Cellusional Disorder: The conviction that others are talking to you when they’re really on their cells, talking to someone else
Kevin Turnipseed, Mansfield, TX
Mad Car Disease
Dean Smith, Peninsula, OH
Andrew Klimenko, San Francisco
Meanness Envy: Angry admiration of the other political party’s cutting remarks on a cable news show
Barry Cutler, Palm Desert, CA
Munchausen by Little League: When a parent believes that his/her child will get a baseball scholarship to Stanford
Gia Paladino, Los Angeles
Early Onset Middle Age: People in their 30s who can’t understand the fascination with Facebook and Twitter
Angela James, Westminster, MC
Uncontrollable Swearing at Jammed Printer Syndrome
Michael Slawski, Fairvax, VA
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- After Ferguson: Stop deferring to the cops
- Ferguson riots were terrible — but this racist reaction was worse
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- The hilarious hypocrisy of Republicans complaining about the imperial presidency
- Don't argue about politics this Thanksgiving. Just don't.
- 7 grammar rules you really should pay attention to
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- Is it now OK to have sex with animals?
- Alien conspiracy theorists think the government is on the verge of spilling big secrets
- In Ferguson, Michael Brown lost his life — and America's police lost the benefit of the doubt
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