Newt the goat

The struggling Republican was born in 1943, the Chinese year of the goat. And as Gingrich's wrongheaded policies prove, the zodiac readings don't lie

You'd think that being a Republican, Newt Gingrich would be an elephant — and that he might even have been an inspiration for Ellis, the patriotic pachyderm in Sweet Land of Liberty, a children's book by Mrs. Gingrich III. But no, Gingrich is not an elephant. Born in 1943, he is a goat. That's according to my pirated edition of Encyclopedia of the Chinese Zodiac, which tells us that the character traits of the goat include being elegant and artistic, and charming with people — although always getting off on the wrong foot with them. The best career choices for goats? Actor, gardener, or beachcomber. Let's consider these options for Newt the goat, just in case things don't pan out for him in this year of the dragon.

Actor: This one is pretty simple. All politicians, at least the successful ones, are natural-born actors. Anyone who has twice managed to wiggle and worm his way out of a marriage — once at his wife's hospital bed, and the second time while championing a congressional bill on personal responsibility — must have a knack for Oscar-worthy acting. The zodiac readings don't lie; Newt can indeed be elegant, artistic, and charming, just like an actor. He even runs a film production company.

Newt isn't proposing a race to the top — he wants a race to the mop.

Gardener: No way, Jose! This is the kind of job the goat has reserved for those who live on welfare, speak "the language of the ghetto," and prefer food stamps to paychecks. In 1993, at the height of his drive to "renew America," the goat wrote, "For poor minorities, entrepreneurship in small business is the key to future wealth. This is understood thoroughly by most of the Asians, partially by Latinos, and to a tragically small degree by much of the American black community."

But how does Gingrich's supposed push for minority-owned small businesses square with his plan to scrap child labor laws? "I've tried for years to have a very simple model," Gingrich said late last year. "Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school. The kids would actually do work, they would have cash, they would have pride in the schools, they'd begin the process of rising."

Is that really the way to teach minority students the values they'll need to dream of "entrepreneurship in small business?" What about pre-K education, after-school programs, better pay for teachers, relief from the onerous federal No Child Left Behind Law? How about a renewed national focus on science and mathematics, so that America's kids can keep up with their number-crunching competitors in other countries? How about affordable tuitions and readily available student loans at public universities, so that minority students can get the educations they need to embark on small business careers in the first place? Don't get your hopes up. A Goat Administration is interested in no such things.

President Obama has long backed its Race to the Top. As policy, the program is hardly perfect. But the Obama administration has doled out hundreds of millions of dollars to several states, with the aim (among others) of closing the achievement gap by "developing new approaches to raising the bar across early learning centers." But Newt isn't proposing a race to the top — he wants a race to the mop.