Welcome to The Week's "What Next?" contest, an invitation to test your powers of imagination with challenges inspired by current events.
Last week's question: In Laurens County, S.C., Republican candidates must henceforth sign a pledge that they were virgins before marrying, are not gay, and will not watch pornography. The pledge contains 24 other moral requirements. We asked you to tell us what you think one of them might be.
THE WINNER: I am not now nor have I ever been a vegan.
Diane Cole, New York, NY
SECOND PLACE: I have never leafed through the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
Mark Houde, Camden, SC
THIRD PLACE: I will not strap my dog to the roof of my car.
Janine Witte, New Hope, PA
I will not Tweet my Tallywacker.
Kathleen Skelton, Gainesville, GA
I have not had impure thoughts about any woman other than Sarah Palin.
Mark Stephenson, Mountain View, CA
I have never participated in a "Real Housewives" series.
Judith Cottrill, Bronx, NY
I promise not to inhale.
Nancy House, Nashville, TN
I will eat my Oreo cookies without unscrewing them first.
Alan Parven, Commerce Twp., MI
I will not date or yearn for Kim Kardashian.
Bob Henry, Carpinteria, CA
I will not look at Michelangelo's "David."
Jenny Wolfing, Hendersonville, NC
I have never removed the tag from a mattress or pillow.
Elizabeth Gravely, Larkspur, CA
I am from planet Earth.
Jerry Gentz, Greenfield, WI
I never ate a PBJ sandwich at the "No Nuts" table in the school cafeteria.
Susan Brandenburg, Hixson, TN
I pledge not to take Ronald Regan's name in vain.
Dorothy M. Wagmer, Dover, NH
I will always eat my broccoli.
Nancy Eisenmann, Simsbury CT
I never peeked at my Christmas presents.
William McClanahan, El Dorado Hills, CA
I will never misrepresent myself, except by signing this document.
Ken Winters, Ferndale, MI
If tempted by immorality, I will ask myself, "What Would Rush Do?”
Fred Olsen, Renton, WA
I will not draw a cartoon of Muhummad.
Janalee Sneva, Scottsdale, AZ
I promise to send this pledge to 25 friends in the next half-hour.
Michael J. Witsch, Mamaroneck, NY
I have never squeezed the Charmin.
Glenn Myers, Newburyport, MA
Will not befriend or marry Muggles.
Marshall Shepherd, Winooski, VT
I never watched a Michael Moore movie.
Helen Fogarty, Rosendale, NY
I swear I've been a Republican since fertilization.
Glenn Gall, Bel Air, MD
I pledge that neither I nor my family, including ex-spouses, have never watched or exercised to a Jane Fonda video.
John Weigel, Nacogdoches, TX
I do not, have not, and will not ever, watch "Countdown With Keith Olbermann."
Randall Butler, Ventura, CA
And I have never seen an episode of Glee.
Cody Dove, Chicago, IL
I have not lied on more than 23 of the above 24 questions.
Brian Rhoads, West Chester, OH
I have never eaten North Carolina barbeque.
Adam Reeck, Lakeside, AZ
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- After Ferguson: Stop deferring to the cops
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- Is it now OK to have sex with animals?
- In Ferguson, Michael Brown lost his life — and America's police lost the benefit of the doubt
- 7 grammar rules you really should pay attention to
- Ferguson riots were terrible — but this racist reaction was worse
- 10 classic Sesame Street moments we wouldn't show today's kids
- The hilarious hypocrisy of Republicans complaining about the imperial presidency
- A linguist's guide to HULK SMASH
Subscribe to the Week