Welcome to The Week's "What Next?" contest, an invitation to test your powers of imagination with challenges inspired by current events.
Last week's question: If Big Bird loses his funding and his job on public TV, we'd like you to help him. We asked you to write a line for Big Bird's resume that might help him land a job.
THE WINNER: Yellow-haired, not particularly smart, with extremely large breasts.
Hugh Langford, Marshall, VA
SECOND PLACE: Willing to work as "Medium-Sized Bird."
Leonard Stegmann, Half Moon Bay, CA
THIRD PLACE: Too big to fail.
Wes Kalmar, Glendale, WI
I invented Tweeting.
Emily Funston, Fredericktown, OH
Good at alphabetizing.
Debra Hull, Bethany, WV
I am not a flight risk.
Janine Witte, New Hope, PA
I do windows.
Ellen Conklin, Peoria, AZ
Able to travel without incurring airfare expenses.
Ken Radziwanowski, East Windsor, NJ
Personally increased Cookie Monster's reading skills by 25 percent.
Art Rodia, Woodbury, CT
Acting as alphabet advocate, synergized information and song to maximize client interface satisfaction.
Sam Yoder, Portland, OR
Job Objective: To move from public to private sector as a professional reader.
Jeff Harkleroad, Lexington, KY
Will work for chicken feed.
Martin Schnuit, Glen Burnie, MD
Unflappable under pressure.
Kathy Devine, Wentworth, NH
Elementary educator; 43 years of experience.
Mara Katz, Pittsburgh, PA
I've got Street smarts.
Len Elliott, Auburn, WA
There are no shoes too big for me to fill.
Brittany McMillan, Orleans, IN
I do no use fowl language.
Bob Linker, Louisville, KY
Reference: Jim Lehrer.
Betsy Whidden, Essex, CT
References: The letter B and the number 7.
Erin Hamilton, Mt. Pleasant, SC
Good with kids and eggs.
Nick Armenante, Toms River, NJ
Have won 118 Emmys, more than Frasier and Mary Tyler Moore Show combined.
John Callahan Jr., McDonough, GA
Earned a billion dollars a year in merchandise and still got taxpayer money.
Kurt Houser, Arlington, VA
Distracted millions of Americans from the reality of the 2012 Presidential election.
Nancy Schreiber, Irving, TX
Have global experience and speak multiple languages.
Karen Smith, Peoria, AZ
Open-minded, oversized, apolitical avian team player dedicated to championing peace, acceptance, happiness and education among young human children seeks challenging position in private sector. Exhibited self-restraint as I observed a similarly qualified colleague, Chick-Fil-A, receive a promotion and experience a surge in public support due to his conservative political beliefs.
Cyndi O'Donnell, Wooster, OH
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- I hate Ayn Rand — but here's why my fellow conservatives love her
- The 11 worst fast food restaurants in America
- 7 language habits that reveal your age
- Here's the schedule very successful people follow every day
- The biggest lesson Obama failed to learn from Bush
- 7 grammar rules you really should pay attention to
- 7 things the world's happiest people do every day
- The weird obsession that's ruining the GOP
- Why Peter Capaldi has a bigger challenge than any Doctor Who in history
- What progressives fundamentally don't get about traditional Christians
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