Lindsay Lohan's publicist has kissed everyone's favorite celebrity trainwreck goodbye.

Valerie Macon/Getty Images

1. Lindsay Lohan's publicist quits
After more than a year as the Sisyphus of the PR world, Lindsay Lohan representative Steve Honig has finally left his post to seek the greener pastures of literally any other job. Asked by the New York Daily News to explain why he resigned as Li-Lo's official mouthpiece, Honig said, "I really feel very firmly that it's private and I don't want to say anything." Anyone seeking further explanation need only flip through any tabloid at random and see how long it takes for Lohan to appear.

2. Meat Loaf endorses Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney cornered the market on undecided voters who are diehard power ballad fans when he earned the coveted Meat Loaf endorsement, reports The Washington Post. "There has storm clouds [sic] come over the United States. There is thunderstorms [sic] all over Europe," said the "Bat Out of Hell" singer, concluding that Mitt Romney is a man who "can stand in the storm." It is possible that Meat Loaf was making a reference to his song "Stand in the Storm."

3. Justin Timberlake apologizes for "wedding video"
Newlywed Justin Timberlake has released an open apology for a terrible wedding video he received as a gift, says The Daily Mail. The footage features a number of "greetings from your Hollywood friends who just couldn't make it" — delivered by a bunch of homeless people paid to recite lines by Timberlake's friend Justin Huchel. The letter, in which Timberlake stresses he had nothing to do with producing the video, ends "You can bet your ass that I'm having my friend do at least 100 hours of community service… Boom" ­— the apparent equivalent of a slammed gavel in the court of Timberlake.

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger set to reprise Conan the Barbarian role
Despite the box-office failure of a recent reboot starring Jason Momoa, the former governator will reprise the role that launched his movie career, says USA Today. Producer Fred Malmberg says The Legend of Conan will portray the Barbarian as an aging warrior who has "bedded more women than anyone"... so Schwarzenegger will essentially be playing himself.

5. Rod Stewart admits to using "cocaine suppositories"
In a recent interview, 67-year-old singer Rod Stewart confessed to being the MacGyver of illicit drug use, revealing his unique former method for ingesting cocaine: Anal suppositories. The singer employed what the Daily News generously calls a "creative method" with bandmate Ronnie Wood after Wood's cocaine use burned a hole in his septum. Stewart explains that the suppository method is "what the French do," demonstrating robust cultural knowledge that isn't likely to make it into this year's edition of Frommer's.