The White House's "We the People..." website allows Americans to petition the Obama administration on a variety of issues citizens believe need addressing. Requests range from serious (petition to have the White House publicly acknowledge the U.S. drone program) to self-interested (federally legalize weed now!) to completely absurd (have Vice-President Joe Biden serve as Guy Fieri's sidekick on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives). Most are angry with the administration, with roughly 70 percent of current petitions asking that individual states — like Texas — be allowed to peacefully secede. What's more: Anyone can create a petition, with the caveat that each request must garner 25,000 signatures in order to be considered for an official White House response. Presented without comment (and in no particular order), here are 11 of the most ridiculous White House petitions awaiting signatures:
1. Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016
Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.
By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.
Total signatures: 1,428
2. Allow United States military service members to place their hands in their pockets
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bonds of service to the United States military, this regretful termination of service to this great nation is often precipitated by inane uniform and personal conduct policies.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all uniforms have pockets and hands fit perfectly inside them, and they sheathe our knife hands gloriously. It must be acknowledged that placing one's hands in one's pockets is not a sign of disrespect, but a precautionary action to prevent injuries.
Therefore, these undeniable truths being told, the service members of the United States military respectfully request the President of the United States to restore our sacred right to place our hands in our pockets — on or off duty.
Total signatures: 3,730
3. Deport everyone that signed a petition to withdraw their state from the USA
Deport Everyone That Signed A Petition To Withdraw Their State From The United States Of America.
Total signatures: 25,879
4. Build a statue of Master Chief Petty Officer Spartan John-117 on the White House lawn
He deserves more praise for what he has done.
Total signatures: 4,526
5. Nationalize the Twinkie industry
We the undersigned, hereby request Barack Obama to immediately Nationalize the Twinkie industry and prevent our nation from losing her sweet creamy center.
Total signatures: 3,998
6. Establish new legal system of motorcycle riding "judges" who serve as police, judge, jury, and executioner all in one
This is a petition to dissolve the current legal system and replace it with a single Hall of Justice, run by Judges; motorcycle-riding law officers who act as police, judge, jury, and executioner.
Total signatures: 2,972
7. Give us back our incandescent light bulbs!
In the spirit of liberty and freedom we believe that decisions, such as what kind of lightbulb we use, should not be made by the government but by the individual. The federal government is phasing out incandescent lightbulbs by law and the last incandescent lightbulb factory in America has closed. This is not the role of the government. Not only did this move shift jobs to China (since CFLs are too dangerous to manufacture in America) it has limited the freedom of Americans to make their own choices in how they will light their homes and businesses. The free market should decide which lightbulbs succeed, not the government.
Total signatures: 1,358
8. Provide university graduates ability to trade their diplomas back for 100 percent tuition refunds
Because of the inability of recent college graduates to find gainful employment in order to repay their college debt, and since this college debt cannot be eliminated in bankruptcy, and most of the recent additions to the job market have been in service related industries, the Obama administration should take up the cause of reducing college debt and hold those accountable responsible.
In the name of Consumer Protection, recent college graduates should have the ability to return the diploma and not make any reference to receiving education from the college in exchange for a 100% refund of college tuition. This may be extended with a graduated (ha, get it?) reduction for the last four years, with a red line at January 20, 2008.
Courtesy of @IowaHawkBlog, great thinker of our time
Total signatures: 1,193
9. Have the President attend a Fark.com party. If scheduling does not permit, at least have a beer with Drew Curtis.
Too many serious petitions on this site asking the President to work his butt off. We believe that he should have a chance to have a good time.
Total signatures: 1,111
10. Transfer funds from the drug war to fund the research and development of the genetic engineering of domestic cat girls
We believe that the genetic engineering of cat girls could be potentially beneficial for the economy and an effective for use as domestic house servant. The money being used to fight the drug war is effectively pointless. We could be using this money to fund other much more important things such as the genetic engineering of cat girls for domestic use. The government could then sell these genetic household workers to boost the economy and try to further decrease the national debt. They could be used around the house so that the homeowners could pursue jobs to also boost the economy.
Total signatures: 838
11. Shut down White House petitions, since they never get a sincere response, few read them & they are ultimately worthless
Since the White House never actually responds to any petitions in sincerity (like letting the one man whose job it is to oppose marijuana to respond to the marijuana legalization initiative, or having the head of the TSA respond to why we can't de-fund the TSA) we should immediately de-fund and dismantle the White House petition website.
In recent days it has become a mockery with petitions for secession from almost every state, and cities wishing to de-secede in such events.
We ask Barack Obama to admit that this is a mockery of democratic process and immediately dissolve this joke of a website.
Total signatures: 852
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- What is driving the increasingly weird behavior of the polar jet stream?
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- How our botched understanding of 'science' ruins everything
- Christians have no moral rationale for spanking their children
- 6 things the happiest families all have in common
- Should you hope to die at 75? Absolutely not.
- The science of sex: 4 harsh truths about dating and mating
- Stop hating on cyclists
- Why America should team up with Bashar al-Assad's regime
Subscribe to the Week