1. Kristen Stewart apologizes to everyone for whatever they're mad at her about
If Kristen Stewart actually wronged you over the past year — we're talking to you, Robert Pattinson — you already got your apology back in June. But if you're one of the billions of earthlings who wasn't personally wronged by Stewart, the young actress would like you to know that she's very sorry anyway. "I apologize to everyone for making them so angry. It was not my intention," said Stewart in an interview with Newsweek, covering both fans who are upset that Twilight is over and critics who were forced to review the Twilight movies.
2. Kate Middleton having adorably English pregnancy cravings
Noted English pregnant person Kate Middleton has been experiencing some stereotypically English pregnancy cravings. "Kate has been craving scones with strawberry jam and clotted cream," says a source at Showbiz Spy. "And she washes it down with a cup of old-fashioned English breakfast tea." For now, Duchess Kate seems content with the high-tea staples — but her chefs might be well-advised to start preparing bangers and mash, and spotted dick.
3. Samuel L. Jackson insists he said "Fuh" on Saturday Night Live
Samuel L. Jackson may have landed himself in hot water when he dropped an F-bomb on last week's episode of Saturday Night Live, but he's already attempting to preempt an FCC fine by claiming he only said half of the word, reports Entertainment Weekly. "I only said FUH not FUCK!" insisted the actor on Twitter, a claim he repeated while visiting Jimmy Kimmel Live on Tuesday night. Anyone who wishes to hear Samuel L. Jackson utter an entire curse word need only watch a Quentin Tarantino movie for more than 20 seconds.
4. BREAKING: Kim Kardashian has bangs now
Today in Kim Kardashian developments: A slightly different haircut. The tabloid fixture arrived in LAX sporting a "new" 'do masterminded by celebrity stylist Chris McMillan. The far-from-startling look features "sideswept bangs and shorter locks," said an actual reporter at E! Online, who made the decision that Kim's marginally different hairdo merited an entire article. "We're loving this sassy look."
5. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles might elope, alleges unnamed source
Lovebirds Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have been spotted holding hands and enjoying meals together in public, as happy young couples are wont to do. But according to a source at Hollywood Life, the fact that the couple has enjoyed each other's company for a whole month can only mean one thing: Wedding bells. "Harry is totally in love. I can see them getting married in a week, just going for it!" speculates the anonymous source. The same source has predicted that Kim Kardashian will soon shave her head.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- 7 grammar rules you really should pay attention to
- The real reason conservatives should be outraged that police killed a white youth
- The secret to handling pressure like astronauts, Navy SEALs, and samurai
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- Why you should stop believing in evolution
- 10 things you need to know today: August 28, 2014
- Why the West should accept ISIS as a sovereign nation
- What Ann Coulter and atheist Richard Dawkins have in common
- After Ferguson, we don't need another dialogue on race
- 8 ways you're probably overspending without even realizing it
Subscribe to the Week