1. Justin Bieber allegedly groped a fan at a Miami meet-and-greet
Over the past few years, we've watched Justin Bieber grow up before our very eyes — and if a recent picture that looks a lot like Bieber groping a fan is any indication, we've officially reached the awkward teenage years. The photo, which was taken at a meet-and-greet in Miami, seems to show Bieber groping a fan while kissing her on the cheek — but according to E! Online, the "grope" may have been overblown. "IM DYING HAHAHAHHAHA IT LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN'S TOUCHING MY BOOB IN THE PICTURE AHAHAHAHHA" tweeted the aforementioned fan — bluntly but accurately — under the handle @JocelynnBieber. The superfan went on to defend Justin's honor, tweeting, "I know what happened & Justin does too." The rest of us will have to decide for ourselves whether we beliebe her.
2. You can watch Snooki give birth tonight
What better way to spend a Tuesday night than taking a trip down Snooki's birth canal? After months of breathless anticipation from the show's weirdly devoted fan base, tonight's episode of Jersey Shore spinoff Snooki & JWoww will finally feature footage from the birth of Snooki's "little meatball" — her words, not ours. "America fell in love with her and her dream came true," said the show's producer Sally Ann Salsano, who was apparently born without a working sense of irony.
3. Co-star: Lindsay Lohan was 'like a child lashing out' on The Canyons set
At this point, hiring Lindsay Lohan to star in your movie is like hiring a dingo to watch your baby: If something bad happens, you really only have yourself to blame. But despite Lohan's well-earned reputation, porn star James Deen — Lindsay's co-star in the upcoming (non-pornographic) The Canyons — seems shocked that Lohan was anything but a consummate professional on set. "In porn I am used to working with professionals who are courteous to others," Deen tells Britain's The Sun of Lohan's reportedly bad behavior. "Lindsay was like a child lashing out." Consider yourself warned (for the seventh or eighth time), casting directors.
4. Chris Brown compares himself to Jesus
Chris Brown has his fair share of detractors — which seems reasonable, given his proclivity for saying and doing ridiculous things on a near-constant basis, and also for assaulting former girlfriend Rihanna in 2009. But if you ask Brown, he's just like another unjustly persecuted object of public scrutiny: Jesus Christ. "The way I feel today," posted Brown to his Instagram alongside a picture of Jesus on the cross, reports the New York Daily News, in what is presumably a reference to the bout of terrible press he received Monday over an alleged fight the day before with fellow singer Frank Ocean. The two reportedly battled over a parking space. Let he who has not sinned write the first zero-star review of Brown's next album.
5. Channing Tatum: Fatherhood will be 'biggest role of my life'
Between his well-received starring turns last year in 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike, Channing Tatum's career is on an upward climb. But if you ask him, his most important job is still to come: Fatherhood, when wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum gives birth to the couple's first child later this summer. "That [will] be the biggest role of my life," said Tatum in an interview with Showbiz Spy. "I hope I don't screw that one up." Quit it, Channing. You're already the sexiest man alive. Save some adorable things for the rest of us to say.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
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