1. Steven Spielberg won't make another Indiana Jones without George Lucas
You might think that wrecking two of the most beloved franchises in cinema history would make someone persona non grata in Hollywood — but in the case of George Lucas, you'd be wrong. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, longtime Lucas collaborator Steven Spielberg insists he "will not make another Indiana Jones film unless it's based on [George Lucas'] story," even though Lucas' last idea for an Indiana Jones story included crystal skulls, aliens, and a nuclear-bomb-thwarting refrigerator. Spielberg adds that Lucas does intend to return to the Indiana Jones series eventually, so audiences can anticipate the next film — which we'll tentatively call Indiana Jones and the Franchise that Desperately Tries to Get Back on Track — at some point in the future.
2. Lindsay Lohan's new lawyer carries lucky rabbit's foot
Proving that even professionals need a little extra help when it comes to Lindsay Lohan, the troubled actress' new lawyer, Mark Heller, was spotted carrying a lucky rabbit's foot on his way into the courtroom this morning, as Lohan appeared to address charges that she lied to police officers last year. Alas, TMZ reports that the judge was unswayed. Try a monkey's paw or a genie's lamp next time, Mark.
3. Chris Brown makes his Instagram account private
After Chris Brown was roundly condemned for an ill-advised Instagram post in which he compared himself to Jesus, The Hollywood Gossip reports that Brown turned the other cheek by making his account private — but not before giving gossip columnists one last tone-deaf post to criticize. "Social media takes away the essence of why we are even special or icons," posted Brown, somehow managing to slip in a final self-aggrandizing remark as he embarked on a self-imposed social media blackout. "So with that, I'm detaching myself from that world." Anyone who would still like the privilege of hearing Brown talk about how great he is for a few hours will need to attend one of his concerts in person.
4. That Arnold Schwarzenegger sex photo you've been dreading has reportedly surfaced
Taking the term "overexposed" to an uncomfortably literal extreme, an old photo of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger performing an unspecified "sex act" has reportedly been discovered. TMZ reports that the photo was found in a storage locker owned by late Penthouse found Bob Guccione, who never published it for reasons that are unknown (but are presumably connected to a general sense of mercy).
5. Everyone wants Kate Middleton's nose
The upcoming royal baby will get his or her shot at Kate Middleton's nose the old-fashioned way — the genetic lottery we call life — but fortunately for us, anyone else who envies Kate Middleton's "near perfect" nose has another option: Plastic surgery! People reports that British plastic surgeons have seen patient requests to replicate Middleton's nose triple since 2011. "She always looks happy and confident in photos," says plastic surgeon Maurizio Persico — perhaps because she doesn't spend all her time thinking about her nose.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- Watch out, China — America is working on dogfighting drones
- How liberals are unwittingly paving the way for the legalization of adult incest
- Why America won't have enough money to battle ISIS
- Why the Chinese military is only a paper dragon
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- Libertarianism's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea
- The troubling persistence of eugenicist thought in modern America
- How the Simpsons/Family Guy crossover revealed the worst of both shows
- 10 things you need to know today: September 30, 2014
Subscribe to the Week