It's understandable that CBS is eager to play it safe after Sunday's Super Bowl snafu — Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco was caught uttering a few curse words on camera — but the network's preemptive strike on this Sunday's Grammy Awards seems to have backfired. On Wednesday, a Grammy performer gave Deadline an email sent by CBS that sets extremely strict wardrobe standards for the ceremony. Said the unnamed performer: "I assume that my lovely colleagues do not get this same email for the Oscars." CBS has yet to publicly comment on the matter, though an unnamed source tells the New York Daily News that the instructions were "the result of a conference call" among CBS executives that was "never intended to be written down or emailed anywhere. It wasn't approved by anybody." With that in mind, check out the highlights from the long, graphic, sexist, and weirdly specific dress code emailed around ahead of Sunday's ceremony:
1. Clothing that exposes "bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack"
This could be a big problem for that rumored 13th anniversary performance of Sisqo's "Thong Song."
2. "Sheer, see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples"
Good news, gentlemen — you can show your "breast nipples" all you want!
3. Clothing that exposes "bare sides or under curvature of the breasts"
What about legs, CBS? Who will stop this bare legs phenomenon that's been plaguing the nation?
4. Clothing that features "commercial identification of brand-name products"
Because the Grammys represent the absolute opposite of crass commercialism.
5. Genital region must be "adequately covered so that there is no visibly 'puffy' bare skin exposure"
This uncomfortably graphic instruction presumably refers to all performers, and not just Sean "Puffy" Combs.
6. "OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE"
This was the only instruction printed in all capitals, which we assume means that CBS is VERY SERIOUS about it (or that a transcriber inadvertently hit the Caps Lock key).
7. Clothing that references any "organized cause," including "lapel pins or other form of accessory"
It's official: Grammy performers have a stricter dress code than the president of the United States. You heard it here first.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- How Ronald Reagan turned America into a nation of children
- Why Mitt Romney is perfectly poised for a comeback in 2016
- The Nazi smart bomb that inspired China's most dangerous weapon
- This week I learned the moon might be littered with dinosaur fossils, and more
- Why is the West so afraid of Islam?
- Girls on Film: Why audiences are responsible for the future of cinema
- Here's the schedule very successful people follow every day
- How to make classic pulled pork
- The conservative battle against ObamaCare won't end with Halbig
- 8 things the world's most extraordinary survivors can teach you about resilience
Subscribe to the Week