1. Colin Trevorrow will direct Jurassic Park 4
As Jurassic Park 4 continues its lumbering, Brontosaurus-like crawl into theaters, Deadline reports that a director has finally been selected: Colin Treverrow, whose last film was Safety Not Guaranteed (because nothing prepares you for a big-budget film about dinosaurs like an indie rom com). With any luck, Treverrow will use his newly acquired directorial chair for the first decision that should be made about a new Jurassic Park film: Pretending the last two Jurassic Park sequels never happened.
2. Prince Harry has a crush on Jennifer Lawrence
These days, it seems that everyone really likes Jennifer Lawrence — and everyone apparently includes royalty. According to Entertainmentwise, Prince Harry recently became the second famous British person named Harry to fall for the Silver Linings Playbook star. (One Direction's Harry Styles was the first.) "Jennifer's his number-one girl right now," says a source. Prince Harry "thinks Jennifer is a girl after his own heart — very chill and out for a good time," as opposed to the many eligible bachelorettes who are un-chill and out for a bad time.
3. Charlie Sheen wants you to send dog poo to his daughter's old elementary school
After months of relatively benign behavior, Charlie Sheen recently regressed to his "tiger blood" days when he encouraged his Twitter followers to send "a rotted egg, a roll of toilet paper or some dog shit" to his daughter's former elementary school — and to do so "with extreme prejudice" (as if there were any other way). The Daily Mail reports that Sheen was allegedly angry over his daughter being bullied at the school — which meant, of course, that he used all his strength to attack a target considerably smaller than he is.
4. Everyone wants Kate Middleton's nose
If you were planning on investing in a new purse or jacket to celebrate the end of winter, reconsider, because Kate Middleton's nose has officially become "spring's hottest accessory." According to The Huffington Post, plastic surgeons have seen a meteoric rise in requests to make their noses look like Middleton's "near-perfect" schnoz. But before you rush to your nearest plastic surgeon, bear in mind: "Not every face was made for Kate Middleton's nose," as one surgeon warns. In fact, just one face was made for Kate Middleton's nose, but we won't split hairs.
5. Howard Stern says he won't be replacing Jimmy Fallon
The news that Jay Leno may be pushed out of his late-night slot in favor of Jimmy Fallon has left Fallon's own seat theoretically vacant — and the number-one rumored replacement has been shock jock Howard Stern. But according to Stern himself, the rumors of his possible ascension to the semi-legitimate medium of late-night TV have been exaggerated. "What an insult," said Stern at Examiner. "Like, all the years of my career. I'm like, the biggest guy in radio, I've done film, I've done television…" And to our collective national loss — because having provided such wonderful, enlightening material for each medium, one can only imagine what Stern could do with the late-night TV format.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
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- What the collapse of the Ming Dynasty can tell us about American decline
- Watch The Daily Show mock Fox News' confused man-crush on Vladimir Putin
- 10 things you need to know today: March 8, 2014
- Religious liberty should be a liberal value, too
- Why is American internet so slow?
- Why states should stop limiting the alcohol content in your beer
- Is the Republican Party in danger of dying out?
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