1. Kim Kardashian testifies that she actually loved Kris Humphries
The 72-day Kardashian/Humphries marriage has been dwarfed by the 400-plus day (and counting) Kardashian/Humphries divorce. That has led some cynics, including Humphries, to question whether Kardashian ever loved him at all. But the issue was finally decided earlier this week during a nine-hour deposition to determine whether Kardashian committed fraud when she married Humphries on a splashy TV special in 2011. According to TMZ, Kardashian testified under oath that she loved Humphries when she accepted his marriage proposal — meaning that Kardashian's feelings are now a matter of legal record. Ladies and gentlemen, the American justice system.
2. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have a "cute and cuddly" reunion
Robert Pattinson has been out of the country for the past two months filming a movie in Australia, which has led some fans to worry that his romance with Twilight costar Kristen Stewart is finally cooling off. But everyone's favorite sparkly vampire is back in the States, and according to Us Weekly, he and Stewart are much more Breaking Dawn than New Moon. (To all you non Twi-hards: That's a good thing.) "They were super nice — just normal people out at a bar," said a source, who apparently thinks "normal people" are the subject of stories in national tabloids.
3. No, Joe Jonas didn't make an ultra-raunchy sex tape
On Thursday, the internet was buzzing over reports that Joe Jonas and girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler recently filmed an ultra-raunchy sex tape that included paddles and ball gags — which would certainly have been a surprise, given the singer's legendary commitment to remain a virgin until marriage. (He has a promise ring and everything.) But USA Today reports that Jonas has cleared up any confusion, tweeting, "ball gag? really? me? come on guys." Though technically, the tweet didn't address the paddle, so feel free to draw your own conclusions.
4. Emma Stone's Twitter account was hacked weeks ago
Don't blame Emma Stone if you've noticed some weird tweets coming from her official Twitter account. According to Stone, she tweeted a single time before her account was hacked. "I've tweeted one time to Seth MacFarlane," explains Stone at Gossip Cop. "And then I've been hacked ever since." Stone adds that she and her team have been "trying to figure out how to delete" the Twitter account, which has since been deleted — so the answer, as it turns out, was complaining about it in a national interview.
5. Don't worry, everybody — Lindsay Lohan will still appear on Anger Management
When Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to serve 90 days in a rehab facility earlier this week, there was one question on everybody's lips: Would she still be allowed to film her guest spot on Charlie Sheen's FX sitcom Anger Management? Never fear, Lohan fans, says E! Online: Lohan will film her episode next week, before her locked-facility rehab stint is officially scheduled to begin. So whatever else happens, we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, knowing that we'll have two chances to see Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan do lame parodies of themselves in 2013.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- Ted Cruz is the new Sarah Palin
- Watch out, China — America is working on dogfighting drones
- How liberals are unwittingly paving the way for the legalization of adult incest
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- 10 things you need to know today: October 1, 2014
- The troubling persistence of eugenicist thought in modern America
- Why the Chinese military is only a paper dragon
- Bill O'Reilly and Stephen Colbert are accidentally having a serious debate on ISIS
- Why America won't have enough money to battle ISIS
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