1. Ke$ha says she had "eyeball sex" with Johnny Depp
Today, in things you're probably better off not knowing: Ke$ha says she had an intimate encounter with Johnny Depp at a benefit concert last year. But the "Tik Tok" singer and the Pirates of the Caribbean star never actually touched; according to Ke$ha, it was all in the eyeballs. "We never really talked — we just had eyeball sex," explains the singer at the Daily News, in a non-revelatory revelation that, admittedly, makes more sense than saying you wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.
2. Norwegian schools reschedule midterm tests to accommodate Justin Bieber concerts
Never underestimate the power of the Biebs. When it became clear that the pop star's two Norwegian concerts — which are slated for April 16 and 17 — conflicted with midterm exams, five Norwegian schools voluntarily rescheduled the tests over fears that their students would skip school to attend Bieber's concerts. The Daily Mail reports that the Norwegian Minister of Education Kristin Halvorsen "does not intend to intervene" — which, given the power of the Belieber army, is probably the wisest course of action. (Just ask Olivia Wilde.)
3. We watched the Grown Ups 2 trailer, so you don't have to
Despite protests from film critics across the globe, the sequel to Grown Ups — the Adam Sandler-starring movie about a bunch of friends hanging out and farting, often simultaneously — continues its inexorable march to theaters. Its first trailer is everything you dreaded it would be and more, including an appearance by Taylor Lautner, a Brett Michaels song, and nudity from Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and David Spade. But it's not all bad: If you've ever want to see a moose urinate all over Adam Sandler's face — and really, who hasn't? — you can watch it for yourself at The AV Club.
4. Shia LaBeouf has allegedly "vowed to get even" with Alec Baldwin
In the latest of many self-sabotaging attempts to be taken seriously, Transformers star Shia LaBeouf has allegedly mounted a petty, one-man revenge scheme against Alec Baldwin, his former co-star in the Broadway play Orphans. "Shia is adamant that he doesn't want to work with Alec again, and he has vowed to get even with him," a source tells Radar Online, in case that wasn't already clear from all the getting even LaBeouf did on Twitter last month. The source adds that LaBeouf attended the first preview of Orphans last week just to "unnerve Alec," which sounds exactly like the kind of mature, rational behavior that will earn him the credibility he so nakedly craves.
5. Kendra Wilkinson quits Splash due to fear of heights
On Tuesday, Kendra Wilkinson admitted that joining ABC's Splash was "a huge mistake," and not just because celebrity diving is a poor man's celebrity dancing. According to the Daily News, Wilkinson has voluntarily decided to walk away from the reality competition due to her fear of heights — something she probably should have seen coming, since the show is literally built around high-diving. "I'm so sorry, everyone. This is the first time in my life I've quit something," said Wilkinson on Twitter. Which isn't quite true, since she used to be Hugh Hefner's girlfriend, but it's kind of hard to fault her for giving up on that.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- Who are the real gay marriage bigots?
- Why is American internet so slow?
- Don't worry: World War III will almost certainly never happen
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- Religious liberty should be a liberal value, too
- What the collapse of the Ming Dynasty can tell us about American decline
- 10 things you need to know today: March 7, 2014
- Watch The Daily Show mock Fox News' confused man-crush on Vladimir Putin
- The Daily Show explains Hamid Karzai's 'Afghan Hustle'
- 4 life hacks from ancient philosophers that will make you happier
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