RSS
The 5 funniest — and real — Craigslist roommate ads
When it comes to Craigslist, the truth is always funnier than fiction
 
Craigslist is way funnier than it looks.
Craigslist is way funnier than it looks. (Illustration by Lauren Hansen | Photo courtesy of Thinkstock)

Craigslist roommate ads are known for being so ridiculous that it can be hard to tell which ones are fake. No wonder that a Craigslist ad for a last-minute Williamsburg roommate, detailing a hysterically passive aggressive fight over Syrian intervention, went viral before it was discovered to be the work of comedian Andy Bankin. The ad included such gems as:

Oh really, Mike? "Apathy towards the Middle East is bankrupting this nation's morality?" Stop using my shampoo.

However, when it comes to Craigslist, the truth is nearly always funnier than fiction. Here are the five most hilarious and real Craigslist roommate ads:

1. "Please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill."

You know a roommate is a real winner when he starts outlining which spices you are not allowed to use in the apartment. Perhaps the most anal retentive person alive (or at least certainly in the San Francisco area), this "wealthy but rather lonely" Bay Area plastic surgeon writes a mini opus to explain a "few rules." In addition to the strict spices regulations, the list includes no magazines or newspapers indoors because "the ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes," and no speaking of French, Urdu, or Afrikaans because "the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me."

The writer also felt compelled to tell potential roommates they absolutely must brush their teeth twice a day, because "if there is anything I cannot stand it is filthy teeth." (Really? It sounds like there is a lot you can't stand.) A word to the wise: If any ad states "your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO," it's worth another month in your parents' place.

2. "Do you want to be homeless? Then you better come check this room for rent out. It has WALLS and a CEILING."

Sometimes, it takes a little pizzazz to make a room stand out in the sea of Craigslist apartment ads, especially when the best things it has going for it are hot water and floors. Oh, and a roommate we can only presume subsides on Red Bull and Pop Rocks, based on this incredibly enthusiastic post. Like a Thomas Edison on speed, the writer proclaims, "We got ELECTRICITY. POWER ALL YOUR APPLIANCES. No need for candles or firewood, because I got LIGHTS and HEAT." And the excitement for carpeting knows no bounds.

We got carpet up in this hoe too. They wanted to come put in hard wood floors. But I was like FUCK THAT. I don't want my feet to be cold when I get out of bed at night. Carpet. So soft. Transcends the walking barefoot experience.

Clearly, anyone this excited about flooring has got to be fun to live with, so I'd say take a chance on this one.

3. "You must be able to fail a criminal background check, preferably with at last one felony and be at least a level three sex offender."

Sometimes, the best approach to finding a Craigslist roommate is reverse psychology. A frustrated renter in Seattle was fed up that his standard ad had "done nothing but bring out the crazies," so he decided to "ask for the crazies in the hope that a normal person replies to me." Under this backward logic, the musts for a potential roommate include: "You have enough pets to classify your room as a small zoo," and "You feel the need to explain how your ex screwed you over in your introductory e-mail."

However, as burned out and sardonic as the poster appeared, it seemed like there were some strong potential candidates. He wrote at the end, "To the person who flagged the first post for removal at 3am last night… you're just the type of person I'm looking for! E-mail me and set up a viewing today!"

4. "Don't sleep with your roommates, nads-for-brains"

It should be pretty obvious that it is a bad idea to respond to the Craigslist roommate ads looking for sex (especially when the "Casual Encounters" section is one click away). But in case there was any confusion, this writer made it the most critical of the rules for living with him. A few slots after "Pull your weight, slacker" and "Be polite to your roommates, assface" comes the all-mighty thou-shalt-not-sleep-with-your-roommate.

Most people know this instinctively, as it's not so long since we were all village-dwelling spear-shaking savages. But if the modern mind requires logical arguments, then, for example: if it goes bad, one of you is going to have to move. Duh. And most likely you're just doing it because it's convenient, which indicates you have no life, no friends to fix you up, no social skills to meet someone in the real life you don't have, you can't even get a date on Craig's List, and you are a pathetic loser.

The ad is hysterically ruthless, but at least commonsensical — that is, until the author does a 180 and spends over four paragraphs explaining why "Sleeping With Your Roommate ROCKS!!!" Reasons include because "your warm fuzzy is not messed up by having to pull your pants on and go out into the cold hard world" (I'm still not exactly sure what that means).

5. "Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived?"

So a 25-year-old professional marketing agent doesn't sound like that amazing of a roommate prospect, but this one may actually have the funniest and best Craigslist introduction of all time:

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further.

And he's not exaggerating. In addition to cleaning toilets and making "zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off," this guys loves everyone and everything: Vegetarians, Kurt Vonnegut, Tuesdays with Morrie, and "getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd." And although he's from Alabama, he's eager to make it clear he is not racist at all.

I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!?

He probably loves carpet even more than that other Craigslister.

Really, everyone should kick out their significant other/childhood friend/elderly grandmother to let this dude move in.

 
Emily Shire is chief researcher for The Week magazine. She has written about pop culture, religion, and women and gender issues at publications including Slate, The Forward, and Jewcy.

THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER

Subscribe to the Week