Sooner or later, aliens will stop probing hillbillies and assemble their interstellar warships for a full-scale invasion of earth. You and I know it, the producers of Independence Day know it... so why don't our governments?
Worryingly, our national governments — including those in the U.S., UK, Russia, and even Iran — are foolishly choosing to ignore the imminent alien threat. Only one country stands prepared for the coming battle to save earth. Step forward, Peru.
The Peruvian Air Force, known as FAP (no, really), has reopened its UFO department to investigate "increased sightings that are occurring in the country and that people are reporting to media," says Colonel Julio Vucetich.
This makes it perhaps the only country in the world taking UFO reports seriously and gearing up for war with ET.
So who are FAP, and how are they equipping themselves? Unfortunately, the Peruvian Air Force is tiny compared to the U.S., boasting just 28 fighter aircrafts. And the pilots are... well, Tom Cruise they ain't.
Here's how other world powers have failed to keep up their defenses.
If the U.S. air force does possess the technology to fight alien invasion, it may well be in Area 51, the Nevada desert base that has conspiracy theorists demanding answers. Sadly, the U.S. government has shown itself to be hopelessly unreliable at keeping the alien defenses ready.
The "Janet Airlines" fleet of unmarked Boeing 737 crafts shuttling government workers to and from the base was suspended during the shutdown, effectively furloughing workers at the facility.
Connie West, the proprietor of Little A'le'inn, warned that while there may have been fewer employees at the base, security was actually increased during the shutdown as the number of contracted security guards increased.
"Security is actually more intense than it was because people do expect there to be nobody there."
And as for America's various UFO investigations, the official Project Blue Book investigation was closed in 1970 after 22 years of analyzing reports. The official Department of Defense website carries the U.S. government's final say on extra-terrestrials: "This issue is no longer being investigated by the Defense Department."
"We are not prepared to deter extraterrestrial civilizations, and this is not an objective for our center. There are still plenty of problems on Earth and around it."
That's the official line from Sergei Berezhnoi, assistant to the head of the Titov Main Test and Space Systems Control Center. It seems that the Russian air force are also unprepared to meet the alien threat.
After years of responding to letters sent by people claiming to have seen aliens, the Ministry of Defence shut down its UFO hotline and response unit in 2009 after fifty years of investigating sightings. The final release of files in 2013 reveals a distinct frustration with nonsensical sightings.
One man left a message in January 2008 claiming that a UFO had taken his dog, car, and tent when he was camping with friends. The official reply was as follows:
"Unless there is evidence of a potential threat to the UK from an external source, and to date no UFO has revealed such evidence, we do not attempt to identify the precise nature of each sighting reported to us… Abduction, kidnap, and theft are criminal offenses and therefore would be a matter for the civilian police, not the MoD."
With Iran seemingly wishing to wage war with most things on this planet, maybe they will recognize the UFO threat? According to Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi, no. UFOs "pose no threat to Iran's security," he says.
All of which leaves us with the valiant boys from Lima, a city better known for cheap facelifts than forward-thinking military strategy.
If this is the best earth has to defend itself with, we're best off starting Martian lessons now…
More from The Kernel...
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- Why the West should let Russia have eastern Ukraine
- Why you should stop believing in evolution
- 7 grammar rules you really should pay attention to
- The real reason conservatives should be outraged that police killed a white youth
- The dangers of our passionless American life
- 10 things you need to know today: August 30, 2014
- Your literary playlist: A guide to the music of Haruki Murakami
- The amazing resurrection of Mitt Romney
- How China sparked an Asian frenzy for killer submarines
Subscribe to the Week