ast week's contest: A Japanese company has come up a high-tech bra called the True Love Tester that can only be unhooked when built-in heart-rate sensors detect true love. Please invent another type of useful, wearable tech.
THE WINNER: Gloves that allow you to text only when sober
Gregory Pinto, Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
SECOND PLACE: Self-jogging sneakers
Barbara Plath, Peru, Ind.
THIRD PLACE: A bow tie that closes the esophagus when overeating is detected
Dick LaVine, New York City
Pants that rise when the butt crack is exposed
Frank Letchworth, Knoxville
A hat that stimulates your hippocampus and helps you remember people’s names
Janine Witte, New Hope, Pa.
Date jacket — similar to straitjacket, to be worn by whoever is dating my daughter
Kristen Pavlik, Laurel, Md.
Dental fillings that keep you from opening your mouth when they sense you are about to say something stupid
Cheryl Old, San Diego
Black socks that signal when you try to wear them with Bermuda shorts
Kenneth R. Updegrove, Cedaredge, Colo.
An American flag lapel pin worn by politicians that beeps loudly when they are dissembling
Stephen Millich, Monterey, Calif.
A shirt collar that turns fluorescent pink when within six inches of a doughnut
John Sasso, Grand Junction, Colo.
A bracelet that buzzes when plaids are worn with stripes
Ivan Kershner, Salem, S.C.
A calorie detector that clamps the mouth shut at 2500 calories for the day
David McEnerney, Seymour, Conn.
Bright floral shirt that can be put on only when GPS detects you’re in Hawaii
Aaron Malver, Seattle
Clothing that gives a slight shock every time the wearer uses the word “like” more than once in a sentence
Carol Goodin, Tiburon, Calif.
Earmuffs that deaden the voice of your spouse
Bernard Bernstein, Pasadena, Md.
Congressional dental retainer: Permits wearer to speak only when sensors detect measurable IQ
Mark Cass, San Diego
A wristwatch that actually tells time
Russell Taichman, Ann Arbor, Mich.
A talking waistband with snide remarks about expanding too quickly
RR Vagnini, Atascadero, Calif.
A jock strap that can only be unlocked when the wearer is truly ready to be a good husband and father
Susan Strasburg, Elkridge, Md.
A collar that delivers electric correction whenever husband turns head to look at cute girl
Barbara James, Bedford, Mass.
A pair of pants that ejects you from the recliner when you’ve watched enough snowboarding
Wynell Perkins, Murphy, Texas
A sprinkler system that extinguishes hot flashes
Pauline Walle, Rochester, Minn.
Contact lenses that keep the eyelids open when the user is asleep during a meeting
Daniel Peterson, Clackamas, Ore.
Panties that won’t come off until a ring goes on
Jan Penske, Sellersburg, Ind.
Pants that auto stretch on Thanksgiving
Angela James, Westminster, Md.
A watch that tells you when your anniversary is
Hidehiro Anto, Mountain View, Calif.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- Who are the real gay marriage bigots?
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- Why is American internet so slow?
- What the collapse of the Ming Dynasty can tell us about American decline
- Don't worry: World War III will almost certainly never happen
- 22 TV shows to watch in 2014
- Religious liberty should be a liberal value, too
- Watch The Daily Show mock Fox News' confused man-crush on Vladimir Putin
- The new bride who had a horrifying allergic reaction to her husband's sperm
5 surprising facts about left-handed people
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