If you're an American, odds are you don't give a hoot about soccer and know next to nothing about the sport. (Hint: It's the game where hands are verboten and feigning death is encouraged.) But this is the World Cup, and no one wants to feel left out.
Supporting Team USA is your birthright, even if you don't know the difference between a red card and a yellow card. Supporting the nation of your ancestors is acceptable, too, since you can lay some claim to kinship.
But there will be plenty of games where USA won't be playing. And given that the red, white, and blue has a pretty poor chance of making it out of the first round, you'll need another team to root for.
Here are some definitive truths about what sorts of people each squad attracts. For the casual fan, latching on to these sides means you:
Brazil fans in London | June 12, 2014 | (Bethany Clarke/Getty Images)
Also root for the Yankees and the Heat.
Have a thing for underdogs that go deep in the tournament.
Get a perverse kick out of supporting America's fiercest regional nemesis.
Are a fan of stylish goal celebrations.
Fans of the Netherlands in Amsterdam | June 4, 2014 | (REUTERS/Toussaint Kluiters/United Photos)
Enjoy endless passing.
Are a world-class soccer snob.
Prefer your soccer turned up to 11.
Saw Air Bud and mistakenly believe kangaroos can play soccer.
Japan fans in Australia | June 12, 2012 (Chris Hyde/Getty Images)
Want to remind everyone of the greatest hair in World Cup history.
Are a glutton for 0-0 draws.
Bow down to Yaya Toure.
Have got Nate Silver beat.
A Uruguay fan in South Africa | July 6, 2010 (Jamie McDonald/Getty Images)
Think the first World Cup was the best World Cup.
Are unfazed by mutant insects, but petrified by snow.
Swing violently between triumphant dreams of glory to the humiliating realization of your mediocrity.
Prefer to communicate with your eyebrows and hands.
A French fan in France | June 8, 2014 | (PASCAL ROSSIGNOL/Reuters/Corbis)
Are completely ambivalent about everyone and everything, including your own ambivalence.
Like to keep things simple.
Are still pining for the days of Lilian Thuram, Fabian Barthez, and Zinedine Zidane.
Can find a silver lining in a world-leading murder rate.
Argentinian fans in India | June 10, 2014 | (REUTERS/Rupak De Chowdhuri)
Believe wholeheartedly in cheating and divine intervention.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Are a fan of first-timers.
Weirdly admire a team that takes the game seriously enough to dub its opponent the Great Satan.
Are a fan of Super Eagles as well as bald ones.
USA fans in Germany | July 6, 2011 | (Scott Heavey/Getty Images)
Are no fun at all.
Are thinking about Cristiano Ronaldo's abs right now and/or are Cristiano Ronaldo.
Live for American schadenfreude, or ignored the last two World Cups.
Are a damn fine patriot.
A Belgium fan in Scotland | Sept. 6, 2013 (Scott Heavey/Getty Images)
Prefer your European soccer with a dash of Africa.
Just read The Stranger.
Are being monitored by the NSA.
Are a Samsung shareholder.
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- How the South's ugly racial history is haunting ObamaCare
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- The real story behind Deliver Us From Evil
- If Democrats abandon immigration reform after Tuesday's likely loss, they will turn 2016 into a debacle
- What if Leo Strauss was right?
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- Feast your eyes on this beautiful linguistic family tree
- 6 things the happiest families all have in common
- The culture war finally comes to the Catholic Church
- Israel's quiet doomsday submarines are almost ready
Subscribe to the Week