Results: Due to pomp and circumstances beyond their control, this spring's college grads are entering the worst job market in years. We asked you to predict the next Hallmark graduation card for them, and thus we heard lots of: You've got the prize!/Now go get the fries. You've done so well/Next stop: Taco Bell. You're a brand new grad!/Welcome home—Mom and Dad. The envelope, please?
Though you've got your diploma
And will never get hired,
Think on the bright side!
You'll never get fired.
Ed Zaporowski, Wales, NY
Congratulations on your degree
Your career can now take flight
So pack your bags and start your life
Your future looks Mc Bright!
Charissa and Debbie Schubert, Alta Loma, CA
Congrats to our grad!
You've made us so proud.
With love, Mom and Dad.
P.S.—Three's a crowd
Linda Umstead, Mililani, Hawaii
Four years and a college diploma!
Too bad you're still living at homa.
Chris Haddox, Washington, MO
Although the future sucks
You've got your education—
Can you loan me fifty bucks?
Neal Gladstone, Corvallis, OR
Congratulations on a job well done!
In case you find a job, just remember that's also how I like my burgers!
Morrie Lewis, Boise, ID
Gown and mortarboard and tassel,
You earned them all without a hassle;
So put the shine of your summa cum laude
And tell the end of the breadline, Howdy!
Virginia Hughes, Paradise, CA
Your grad school days have come and gone
We look forward to having you mow the lawn!
Louise Winn, Honaunau, HI (and others, similar)
Congratulations on your college degree!
It's too bad you couldn't have done it for free
You could have saved all the cash and invested in gold
And retired in Florida at 30 years old.
Best of luck in your job search.
Laurie Rivera, Battle Creek, MI
Now is your chance to seize the day
And if you chance to seize a job
I've enclosed my resume.
Brett Hammond, Farmington, Utah
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- How academia's liberal bias is killing social science
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- Why the Sony hack changes everything
- Hey, bosses: Stop giving bonuses to your employees
- What would a U.S.-Russia war look like?
- You should be furious about Hollywood's gutless retreat on The Interview
- Why torture doesn't work: A definitive guide
- Alien conspiracy theorists think the government is on the verge of spilling big secrets
Subscribe to the Week