1. Sorry, Tina Fey doesn't want to host the Oscars next year
For some insane people, the end of one Oscar season is just the beginning of another, which means that the hunt for the next host is officially on now that Seth MacFarlane has preemptively turned the job down. But before you suggest Tina Fey, Tina Fey wants you to know that she's not interested. "I just feel like that gig is so hard," said Fey in an interview at The Huffington Post. "Especially, for, like, a woman — the amount of months that would be spent trying on dresses alone… no way." Distraught Oscar fans are advised to start bugging Amy Poehler now.
2. E.L. James is writing a new, inexplicably non-erotic book
Good news for Fifty Shades of Grey fans looking for their next big fix: E.L. James is writing another novel — but this time, it won't have any of those boring sex scenes to slow the plot down. "It won't be nearly so raunchy," promises James in an interview at the New York Post, somehow misunderstanding that being the author who is literally responsible for the creation of the term "mommy porn" generally makes fans expect a little mommy porn.
3. One Direction fan hits Harry Styles in the groin with sneaker
Today in important shoe-throwing news: MTV News says that One Direction's Harry Styles collapsed on stage Tuesday in Glasgow after an overzealous fan threw her sneaker at him — and hit him in the groin. "I just wanted to him to touch something belonging to me," confessed the fan (who, it should be noted, technically got her wish) in an interview. "I didn't mean to hit him where I hit him." One Direction haters can undoubtedly look forward to the inevitable YouTube video that syncs the footage of the low-blow to Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Getting Back Together." (We give it about a day.)
4. Chris Cooper will play Green Goblin in The Amazing Spider-Man 2
When filmmakers decided it was time to introduce the villainous Green Goblin in the upcoming sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man, they turned to Chris Cooper — better-known as that middle-aged, wiry, charismatic/creepy actor who isn't Willem Dafoe. (John Hawkes must have been busy.) The Hollywood Reporter says that Cooper will join a roster of villains scheduled for the upcoming sequel that already includes Jamie Foxx's Electro and Paul Giamatti's Rhino, because history shows that the best way to make a great Spider-Man sequel is to jam it full of bad guys.
5. Stone Temple Pilots frontman Scott Weiland fired by the rest of the Stone Temple Pilots
If you were a fan of instantly forgettable, radio-friendly rock in the mid-90s, you probably remember the Scott Weiland-fronted band Stone Temple Pilots, and are probably just as surprised to hear that they are, technically, still a band — albeit a band that is now missing its most famous member. "Stone Temple Pilots have announced they have officially terminated Scott Weiland," said a representative from the band in a one-sentence email sent to Entertainment Weekly. But never fear, music fans: It shouldn't be too hard to transition from ignoring Weiland's band to ignoring him as a solo act.