1. Seth MacFarlane says he won't host the Oscars again
MTV News reports that we won't have Seth MacFarlane to kick around anymore. When a fan tweeted at MacFarlane on Tuesday to ask if he would consider hosting the Oscars again, MacFarlane replied, "No way. Lotta fun to have done it, though." With MacFarlane's tenure behind us, we can all look forward to the inevitable Family Guy episode in which a character says, "Hey, remember that time when Seth MacFarlane hosted the Oscars?" (It practically writes itself!)
2. Ben Affleck shaves off his Oscar beard
Seth MacFarlane isn't the only person who has decided to put the 85th annual Academy Awards behind him. According to E! Online, Ben Affleck celebrated Argo's Best Picture win at Craig's restaurant in West Hollywood by pulling a Samson and shaving off the source of his strength: His robust, manly beard. "He did it to make the end of a chapter," said an unnamed source. "It had that ceremonial quality to it." With his bearded-in-Iran days behind him, fans can presumably look forward to Affleck returning to his true love: The city of Baahhhstaahn.
3. Mark Wahlberg turned down Star Trek because he "couldn't understand" it
And speaking of Baahhhstaahn: Native son Mark Wahlberg recently revealed that he was offered a role in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek, but turned it down because he couldn't comprehend the series of symbols, which most of us call "letters," that made up the film's screenplay. "I tried to read the script, but I couldn't understand the words or dialogue or anything," said Wahlberg. Directors seeking Wahlberg to star in their films are advised to send an audio reading of their scripts, or maybe just a nice picture book.
4. Lindsay Lohan to shack up with Charlie Sheen on Anger Management
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen already teamed up to parody themselves as a pair of drug-addled lovers in the upcoming Scary Movie 5 — a joke that might have been funny if it had been made three years ago, and if the stars weren't both actually dealing with substance abuse problems. But because the comic possibilities created by pairing two of America's most troubled stars is apparently limitless, Sheen and Lohan will reunite to play lovers on an upcoming episode of Sheen's FX "comedy" Anger Management. USA Today reports that Lohan will play herself, which seems to be the only role anyone thinks she's qualified for after Liz & Dick, opposite Sheen's therapist character — whose advice can probably be summarized most succinctly as "don't be me."
5. Morrissey cancels Jimmy Kimmel appearance to avoid Duck Dynasty cast
Morrissey fans who hoped to see their idol play a characteristically glum set on tonight's Jimmy Kimmel Live will have to wait a little longer: The singer has delayed his appearance until tomorrow to avoid appearing alongside the stars of A&E's reality series Duck Dynasty — and not just because Duck Dynasty is terrible. According to Rolling Stone, Morrissey, a strict vegetarian, said he couldn't "take the risk of being on a show alongside people who, in effect, amount to animal serial killers" — unintentionally coming up with a title that happens to be much, much cooler than Duck Dynasty.