Some movies are so bad they're good. Maximum Impact, however, is just bad. Irredeemably bad, in fact.
The basic plot is this: Diplomats from the U.S. have traveled to Moscow to smooth relations between their countries, but devious Germans plan to spoil the summit by inciting an international crisis, thereby driving a wedge between the White House and the Kremlin and crashing Russia's economy. Why do this? To snap up the devalued rubles and get rich quick, of course. But when shooting a missile at the U.S. secretary of state's helicopter fails, the bumbling baddies decide to kidnap the secretary's granddaughter, who stowed away in the bathroom of her grandfather's plane to meet her Russian boyfriend.
It only gets worse from there.
The project, which often seems like straight-up Russian propaganda (it opens with the song lyrics "I am not your enemy" playing over a shot of the FSB building in Moscow), is described as a "joint American-Russian" venture, directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, the man behind Doom and Cradle 2 the Grave, and starring a D-list cast, including Eric Roberts as the secretary of state, Kelly Hu as the requisite hot CIA agent, Tom Arnold as a man with an upset prostate, Danny Trejo just because, and Alec Baldwin's younger brother, William.
The movie is unwatchable. It comes out today — but really, don't watch it. I'm warning you — just don't. Instead, enjoy this collection of the most off-the-rails moments.
1. The first fight scene
Cool action sequences can often rescue otherwise terrible movies. That is not the case here. The first laughably bad fight scene comes approximately a minute into the film. FSB agent Andrei Durov (Yevgeny Stychkin) has been sent to pay a courtesy call to Danny Trejo, but Trejo's drug-running henchmen meddle by dropping a bag on his arm in their warehouse. Andrei then proceeds to punch his way through the crowd, only to warn Trejo to lay low while the FSB investigates a terrorist threat. Alright then!
2. "Viagra — double dose!"
We meet drug kingpin Sanchez (Danny Trejo) as he is replacing a family photo with a portrait of his new mistress. "Cialis," he mutters to himself in the process, popping one. "Viagra — double dose!" He washes the trio down with champagne, as one does.
3. "Miley Cyrus is over"
Brittany Jacobs (destined Dancing with the Stars contestant Polina Butorina) is the bubblegum-popping, phone-addicted granddaughter of the U.S. secretary of state. She delivers inspired lines like "she's turnt up." Brittany dyes her hair blond to go to Russia, which makes her lame grandpa scold: "Miley Cyrus is over." There are also references to Brittany dressing like either Taylor Swift or Kristen Stewart, because it is 2008.
4. The pee jokes ...
Tom Arnold's only role in Maximum Impact is apparently to make pee jokes. Zero percent of them are funny. In one particularly ill-conceived urine-related gag, Arnold sprints to the bathroom on the secretary of state's airplane, where he discovers that Brittany is hiding. He then relieves himself ... over her?
5. The iPhone commercial
After Brittany manages to slip off with her boyfriend Pavel, who is something like the Russian version of Nick Jonas but dumber, the pair take a break by the Moskva River. Pavel then grabs Brittany's phone and, without asking, chucks it into the river. "I love my 6!" Brittany pouts following this development, to which Pavel, charmer that he is, replies: "You love the 8 Plus even more" and gives her a new iPhone. Ah, young love.
6. The Trump moment
You knew there had to be one. At one point in the film, the bad guys pay a visit to "Grump International Plaza." Hey, if Trump Tower Moscow didn't work out, it's the next best thing.
7. Conspiracy theory fodder
Why is the CNN logo upside down? Probably because they're fake news.
8. Terrible dialogue, Vol. 1
"What did you drink as a child, Godzilla milk?" one character asks actor Alexander Nevsky, who is a very large man. He corrects her: "Russian milk."
9. Terrible dialogue, Vol. 2
"Are those guns, honey bunny?"
"I thought I was imagining it, because you're such a sex pistol."
10. Terrible dialogue, Vol. 3
"Actually, Wolfgang Schmuck, there's enough C4 in there to blow you all the way back to Dumbshitistan."
11. The big reveal of why this movie exists in the first place
After a long day of being kidnapped and tied to radioactive C4, Brittany is asked by her grandfather what she thinks of Moscow. "Awesome," she raves. "Thank you so much, grandpa. What a great city. People are so nice."
Somewhere, Vladimir Putin is smiling.