I have always suspected I was a chump and a loser, but it wasn’t until this past week that I realized the full magnitude of my stupidity. For my entire working life, I have paid income taxes— even when I was making $7,500 a year. As my salary climbed over the years, the tax percentage went up and up. Like a moron, I paid the full rate. My employers reported my income directly to the IRS, so I couldn’t hide a penny of it; as a mere working stiff, I couldn’t write off my lunches, my car, my clothes, and my hairdresser as business expenses. Pathetic! By failing to keep Uncle Sam’s greedy mitts off my earnings, I failed in my fiduciary duty to my family and future heirs, and let my taxes be wasted on national defense, schools, clean air and water, medical research, and programs to keep the old and the poor from starving. What a schmuck I am!
It gets worse. When I gave modest amounts of money to charity, I stupidly took it out of my own pocket. If I’d been a winner, I would have started the Falk Foundation, bamboozled some wealthy social climbers into writing checks, and then taken total credit for my generosity while using Other People’s Money. When I hired contractors and repairmen, I actually paid them the full amount that they billed me, instead of declaring their work shoddy and stiffing them. How dumb is that? If I’d been really, really smart, I would have borrowed billions, screwed the banks and creditors by declaring bankruptcy, and reported a loss of $916 million in one year, so I’d never have to pay income taxes again, even while I lived like Caligula. Thankfully, there’s now hope for losers like me. When Donald Trump Makes America Great Again, we will all get the same tax breaks as billionaires, real-estate investors, and corporations, and win so much that we get bored of winning. You can tell by studying his life how much Mr. Trump cares about the little people, even if we’re not geniuses like him.