It must be true... I read it in the tabloids
■ A suspected drug dealer drew the police’s attention by sticking a handwritten note to the front door of her West Virginia home complaining about “snitches.” April Lynn Lavender piqued the cops’ curiosity by posting a sign that read, “Due to snitches everyone entering my home is subject to being searched.” When police entered the house, they allegedly found heroin, methamphetamines, and other drugs, and arrested Lavender. “Sometimes the criminals make our job pretty easy,” said an officer.
■ A 9-week-old British baby with an exceptionally full head of hair is causing a sensation wherever he goes. Chelsea Noon’s son, Junior, was born with an unusually thick mane, which maternity nurses told her would soon fall out. “But he hasn’t lost any of it,” she said, “and it has grown.” Junior’s fluffy, towering bouffant has earned him the nickname “Baby Bear,” and made him a celebrity in his hometown. “Usually it takes me about 40 minutes to do my weekly shop in [the supermarket], and now it takes two hours,” Noon said.
■ Iraq’s Transport Minister has claimed his country’s new airport will be built on the site of a Sumerian spaceport built by aliens 7,000 years ago. At a press conference, Kazem Finjan told stunned journalists that ancient Sumerians were extraterrestrials who interbred with earthlings and used the site in southern Iraq for trips to and from the stars. “When the Sumerians settled here, they knew full well that the atmosphere here was suitable for flying to outer space,” he said. Finjan also stated that the Sumerians had discovered Pluto and a mythical planet called Nibiru.