Stephen Colbert started Monday's Late Show by mocking the man who tried to set off a bomb in the subway station near New York City's Port Authority terminal Monday morning. "Luckily, none of the bystanders were seriously hurt, and the police got the guy," he said. And Colbert had a message for the 27-year-old Bangladeshi bomber from Brooklyn: "Seriously? You tried to terrorize New York Subway commuters? Nice try. New York commuters don't even flinch when the subway breakdancers kick two inches away from their face. They have to battle rats for the seat."
"Now you're going to jail for a long, long, long time," Colbert said, "and all New Yorkers want to know is: Does that mean your apartment is free, and is it rent-controlled?"
Colbert noted that several of the women who've accused President Trump of sexual assault are back in public, then spent a few minutes going over a New York Times report of Trump's daily battle in the White House. Trump is upset about Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into his campaign's ties to Russia, but he reportedly shrugs it off, telling people, "That's life," Colbert said. "Yes, it's life, but you could plead that down to 30 years if you rat out Don Jr."
The Times also said Trump watches 4-8 hours of TV a day, and "hate-watches" CNN's Don Lemon — things Trump denied in a tweet on Monday, which Colbert read. But given Trump's fixation on TV, it's no surprise that before taking office, he reportedly told aides to think of "each presidential day as an episode in a television show in which he vanquishes rivals," Colbert said. He suggested some titles, including Grabs Anatomy.
The Late Show also mocked up a Trump family sitcom, Meet the Vanquishers, that gets a little dark at the end. Watch below. Peter Weber