- you're fired July 17
Talk about burying the lead.
In a rambling, 1,100-word memo, Microsoft's Executive Vice President of Devices & Services Stephen Elop announced that 12,500 of his employees would be laid off. Or at least, we're pretty sure that's what he says — the absurdly long email is riddled with corporate jargon and takes 11 paragraphs to get to the point, as Kevin Roose at New York points out. The move is part of a larger round of 18,000 layoffs announced today, but Elop's division was hardest hit.
Elop's epistle (which, oddly, begins with a casual introduction of "Hello there") is a master class in how to use business speak to utterly confuse everyone. Amid mentions of "appropriate financial envelopes," "local market dynamics," and "right-siz[ing] manufacturing operations," are fun and easy-to-understand paragraphs like this one:
As part of the effort, we plan to select the appropriate business model approach for our sales markets while continuing to offer our products in all markets with a strong focus on maintaining business continuity. We will determine each market approach based on local market dynamics, our ability to profitably deliver local variants, current Lumia momentum and the strategic importance of the market to Microsoft. This will all be balanced with our overall capability to invest. [Microsoft]
I'd guess that employees who had to wade through all this would have preferred The Donald's signature directness.- -
THE WEEK'S AUDIOPHILE PODCASTS: LISTEN SMARTER
- It's official: The religious right is calling it quits
- 10 things you need to know today: November 24, 2014
- How to be the most productive person in your office — and still get home by 5:30 p.m.
- What would it take for humans to build a settlement on Mars?
- Obama just kneecapped Jeb Bush and Chris Christie's 2016 prospects
- The dangerously childish morality of liberal ObamaCare supporters
- 43 TV shows to watch in 2014
- Want to eliminate the scourge of frat culture? Lower the drinking age.
- 10 classic Sesame Street moments we wouldn't show today's kids
- Why insects are the future of food
Subscribe to the Week