Jimmy Kimmel's people on the street have mixed views about new Supreme Court Justice Christopher Columbus
Monday was Columbus Day, and despite the good people of Los Angeles officially celebrating Indigenous Peoples Day instead, Jimmy Kimmel Live marked the occasion by pestering people on Hollywood Boulevard about Christopher Columbus, sort of. "I think of all the historical figures — there's George Washington, there's Lincoln, and Columbus might be the third that we might learn the most about in elementary school," Kimmel said. "So people should know who he is, right?" There's a lot going on in the country right now, he explained, so he decided to combine Columbus Day with the other big story. "We went out on the streets this afternoon and we asked people what they thought about Christopher Columbus being nominated to the Supreme Court," he said, and they had ... opinions. Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel lists things that last longer than the FBI's Kavanaugh probe. The Late Show takes the Ken Burns approach.
Thursday was "a day of passion and protest here in the not-so-United States," Jimmy Kimmel said on Thursday's Kimmel Live. "Many Americans are angry that Brett Kavanaugh is still a nominee for the Supreme Court. The FBI report that was supposed to be limited to one week somehow got whittled down to five days, it's done, and when all was said and finished, the White House said they found no corroborating evidence of sexual assault. It's amazing how much you won't find when you don't look for it, it really is."
Kimmel ran through some of the things the FBI did not investigate and the potential witnesses they didn't interview. "It's nuts," he said. "They do a more thorough investigation of the contestants on The Bachelor than they did for the Supreme Court. I've interviewed more people this week than the FBI has." But despite the lingering questions and evidence that Kavanaugh lied under oath, Senate Republicans are plowing ahead and Kavanaugh could be a Supreme Court justice by Saturday. "This process is moving faster than Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande — I figured I'd throw something in there to get the teenagers interested," he joked. Then he read a list of "things that last or lasted longer than this FBI investigation."
The Late Show did it's own sort of documentary investigation, or, more precisely, gave the Ken Burns treatment to Kavanaugh's "loud, obnoxious drunks" Beach Week letter. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers are comically underwhelmed with how this Brett Kavanaugh saga is ending
"The last week has been an emotional roller coaster — there were a lot of twists and turns, and I feel like throwing up," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, but the saga of Brett Kavanaugh's Supreme Court nomination is almost over. The vote isn't until Saturday, he said, "but I got a strong hint that he would be confirmed" ... in July, when "he was nominated by a Republican president with a Republican Senate." He even predicted the final vote, with dramatic flair and props.
Still, now we have the FBI report, which Democrats say "is lacking in, uh, report," because, among other things, it didn't look into Kavanugh's alleged heavy drinking, a key part of the sexual misconduct claims, Colbert said. "That's like investigating an arson and saying, 'We're not really looking into the fire part, we're more wondering how this building disappeared over here. Was it wizards? Did they use mirrors?'"
"They interviewed nine people over five days — I've had more thorough investigations to find my AirPods," Colbert said. He ended with a look at old Senate Republican men reacting with gleeful anger to the report, and an impressive Gregory Peck impersonation, centered on "boofing."
Lest you forgot about "boofing" and other factually dubious things Kavanaugh said at his hearing, The Late Show turned them into a drinking game.
Late Night's Seth Meyers was similarly unimpressed with the FBI's five-day investigation: "I had to do a report on the Louisiana Purchase in sixth grade, and it took me a month — and I got a C! They didn't even interview Kavanaugh or Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. They really went over this thing with a no-tooth comb." And he had a simple explanation for why Senate Republicans found no corroboration of Ford's allegations: "You didn't look for it!" He also had some jokes about Sen. Lindsey Graham's "schmear campaign" malapropism, and you can watch that below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel says Trump blew it by mocking Christine Blasey Ford, audits Trump with his father's ghost
President Trump's staff was hoping against hope that he wouldn't mock Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who testified last week about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's alleged rape attempt, but "he couldn't resist," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "You know, I'd say I'm starting to think a bipolar sociopath with no moral compass might not have been our best choice for president." But it wasn't just Trump, he added. "The people in the crowd, when he did this, they loved it. He mocked this woman's story about a sexual assault, they ate it up, they laughed, they cheered. I really don't understand it. And by the way, this event was a rally to support Mississippi's first-ever female senator."
The White House is insisting that Trump wasn't mocking Ford, but key swing Senate Republicans distanced themselves from his comments, and "he even got a bad review from his closest friends," Kimmel noted. "When Fox & Friends thinks Trump blew it, it got blown."
Trump had some tepid words for Kavanaugh at the same rally, and Kimmel wondered if, given his earlier effusive praise for his nominee, Trump's words have any meaning at all.
Kimmel also circled back to the monster New York Times report that debunks Trump's origin story of a self-made man who built a business empire from a $1 million loan from his late father, Fred Trump. "Turns out his father gave him — didn't loan him — $413 million, but not a single hug," Kimmel said. "Trump had multiple trust funds, he was getting the equivalent of a $200,000 salary from his father at age 3, and he was a millionaire on his own by age 8. Donald Trump was basically his father's own biological Cayman Island where he stashed money." After Kimmel ran through the various Trump team denials, the ghost of Fred Trump (Fred Willard) appeared with some pushback, then some tough words for his son. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert tries to outdo Trump's over-the-top warning about fictional men victimized by #MeToo
There was just one thing President Trump wasn't supposed to do, and that's mock the testimony of Christine Blasey Ford about her alleged sexual assault by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Daily Show. "But last night, he just couldn't resist his desire to whip it out." He played the clip. "There he is, going after the woman vote — and I do mean woman, singular," Colbert joked, inaccurately but with a funny picture of Don Jr. in a wig. He also showed a montage of Ford answering some of the questions Trump mockingly said she hadn't.
"There's also a new narrative out there that it's not just men like Brett Kavanaugh who need to live in fear," Colbert said, golf-applauding Trump's performance of "his one-man show, Downfall of a Fictional American Man." He enacted his only slightly more over-the-top version, and you can watch that below. Peter Weber
On Sunday, a college friend of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh described a bar fight after a UB40 concert in 1985 in which Kavanaugh threw his drink in the face of a man he thought was the easy reggae band's lead singer, Ali Campbell, and The New York Times found the police report. This, of course, is late-night TV gold, and Tuesday's Late Show got things started with a special Kavanaugh version of UB40's hit cover of "Red Red Wine."
"If you're familiar with UB40, you be at least 40," Stephen Colbert quipped. "UB40! Nothing could be more stereotypically college in the 1980s. What's next? Kavanaugh teamed up with James Spader to steal Molly Ringwald's underwear and throw it into the pool where Phoebe Cates is sunbathing while John Cusack holds up a boom box over his head screaming 'I want my MTV!'?" In the police report, Kavanaugh declined to tell police if he threw the ice or not, he noted, "so Democratic senators, don't feel bad, he won't answer cops' questions, either."
At The Daily Show, Trevor Noah called the UB40 incident "probably one of the greatest stories of all times," but he began with the troubling doubts about Kavanaugh's truthfulness. "Kavanaugh may make it seem like he's had a casual relationship with alcohol, but it turns out the two of them were probably more than just friends," Noah said. Still, the bar fight story is "wild," he explained. "Do you know how bad a fight has to be for the police to get called on a white guy at an Ivy League school in the '80s?!? That was like rich white male heyday — I mean, every decade is, but that one was extra good for them."
Kavanaugh "raging as a young man doesn't disqualify him from serving on the Supreme Court, but Brett Kavanaugh lying about it to the Senate is what should be of concern," Noah said. He brought out Michael Kosta, who had a wild proposal to get to the truth while exculpating sober Brett Kavanaugh of perjury. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert examines some of Brett Kavanaugh's 'fudged' sworn testimony, can't imagine Trump a tippler
We might have Justice Brett Kavanaugh already if Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) hadn't been accosted in the elevator by two sexual assault survivors on Friday, Stephen Colbert recounted on Monday's Late Show. "Didn't he read the congressional safety sign? 'In case of protest, take the stairs.'" Afterward, Flake dramatically huddled in a phone booth with another senator to hatch a plan to postpone Kavanaugh's confirmation pending a short FBI investigation. "Jeff Flake may have gone into that phone booth as Clark Kent," Colbert said, "but he came out as Clark Kent who is retiring from the Senate so it's okay if he stands up to Donald Trump."
The FBI investigation was originally very narrow, but President Trump partially reversed course, Colbert said, "so now the FBI can talk to some of Brett's buddies at Yale who remember Kavanaugh's drinking a little differently than he does. Because — first of all, drinking, who cares? A lot of people drink," he said, pointing at himself. "But Kavanaugh specifically told the Senate under oath that he was not a blackout drinker," something his former classmates, like Chad Ludington, dispute. "Oh, when you've lost Chad, it can't be long until you lose Brad and Tad..."
"Kavanaugh also fudged some other facts," Colbert said, listing a few. But Trump stood by him in a press conference on Monday, saying he felt bad for "all parties." "Especially the Republican Party, because this midterms, they're gonna get boofed," Colbert said, inadvertently prompting a spontaneous "boofed!" chant. Trump also claimed he saw a Democratic senator in a "very bad situation" — "How bad a situation?" Colbert asked in Trump voice. "Well, let's put it this way: I was there. That's never a good sign" — and asked America to imagine how much worse he would be if he drank alcohol. Colbert tried, and failed. "No, I can't — I can't imagine you being any worse." Watch below. Peter Weber
After Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's testimony last week, "it was really hard to enjoy a beer this weekend," Jimmy Kimmel joked on Monday's Kimmel Live. Kavanaugh's testimony contained some iffy statements, like his definitions for "'Devil's Triangle' and "boofing," Kimmel said. "So if the FBI has Google, this could be very bad news for Brett Kavanaugh. There is some confusion over what the scope of the investigation will be. There are reports that the FBI's been put on a very short leash, but Donald Trump says the FBI has free rein — of course he says the same thing about Melania, and she's in Africa now, so."
"Kavanugh's testimony rubbed a lot of people the wrong way," Kimmel said, dragging in his most famous celebrity feud. "In fact, he was so unlikable, Saturday Night Live had no choice but to cast the most repugnant actor in the world to play him over the weekend. What a surprise that Matt Damon would have no other plans on a Saturday."
In defending Kavanaugh's downplaying of his drinking history, Trump joked that if he himself drank, he'd "be the world's worst," but Kimmel wasn't convinced. "I don't know, maybe he'd be better — it's worth a shot," he said. "By the way, I think it's worth mentioning that this guy who's never had a drink in his life had his own brand of vodka, with his name on it. Kinda all you need to know about him."
"Whether or not Judge Kavanaugh gets confirmed — and let's be honest, he probably will — he is preceded by a long line of men who've been accused of bad behavior, men who don't even seem to understand when they've done something wrong, and it's something that powerful men have been struggling with for many years. And now, at long last now, there is hope." The side effects of "Denietol" are pretty harrowing, though. Watch below. Peter Weber