Thursday brought some bad news for "people who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show, clarifying that he's talking about "the money states are making off legal marijuana." Attorney General Jeff Sessions rescinded an Obama administration policy discouraging federal law enforcement from prosecuting marijuana possession in states where it's legal — despite a recommendation not to change the policy from a task force Sessions himself had commissioned.
"Come on, Jeff, you're the states' rights guy," Colbert protested. "Would it help you if they smoked the weed out of a rolled up Confederate Flag? This new directive from Sessions can mean only one thing: He still doesn't know that white people smoke pot, too."
Other critics of this about-face include Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), who noted that marijuana is not heroin. "It's true," Colbert said. "And for the record, Sen. Sanders, a spoon is not a comb." Sessions, meanwhile, is on record saying that marijuana is "only slightly less awful" than heroin, and Colbert played along: "They're very close. You take heroin, you die; smoke marijuana, you will die laughing at Jeff Sessions."
On Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel tried to deduce Sessions' motive for cracking down on weed. "No one can figure out why he's doing this," he said. "With all that's going on, this is like locking someone up for retransmitting baseball games without the consent of Major League Baseball. It's very minor. But something about it seemed fishy to me, and I want to connect the dots for you so I can tell you what's really going on here." And his theory probably makes sense — for people who partake of the sweet, sweet green stuff. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, and Jimmy Kimmel try to have fun with California's newly legal marijuana
On New Year's Eve, CNN sent Randi Kaye to cover a busload of stoners in Colorado, Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show, and things got predictably wacky as the night wore on. "But the pot party wasn't just happening on the CNN, because as of yesterday, recreational pot is officially legal in California," he said. "That's right, Californians can finally try marijuana." Colbert tried to celebrate the new law in America's most populous state with Stoney Von Dankington, his staff stoner, but Stoney had some other new California laws on his mind.
At The Daily Show, Trevor Noah also took a broader look at the new legislative landscape in America. "With every new year comes new resolutions, new sexy calendars, and most importantly, new laws," he said, noting higher minimum wages in 18 states, doggie divorce custody in Illinois, and jaywalking reform in California. "Oh, and in California, every day is now 4/20," he said. "It's great that recreational marijuana is now legal in California, especially because it's been so good for Californians' health. Did you know that in the past 48 hours, California's glaucoma rate has dropped by 98 percent? Stoners everywhere were like, 'Doc, it's a miracle — I can see again!'" Noah did despair a bit at the toll legalization will take on rap, trying out a modified Snoop Dogg lyric, then he took on the bummer of tax reform and President Trump's blunt message to his rich friends.
Jimmy Kimmel, with one of the few late-night shows based in California, decided to test the new law and himself, having Cousin Sal introduce three pedestrians on Hollywood Boulevard and having Kimmel guess which one of them was (legally) high. See if you can do better than Kimmel below. Peter Weber