Thursday's Late Show opened with Satan protesting that he doesn't want Alabama GOP Senate nominee Roy Moore in hell, because "we have shopping malls down here, too!" — a response to a comment from Ivanka Trump about people who abuse children.
Stephen Colbert noted that sexual harassment is a bipartisan issue, starting with a tart takedown of Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.), then pivoting to Moore. He noted that one of the four new women who came forward on Wednesday to accuse Moore of sexual impropriety wasn't, for a change, a teenager when Moore allegedly grabbed her, but a 28-year-old mother — though Moore did ask a lot of questions about her "pretty" daughters. "Well, that's just family values — in that he values dating your entire family," Colbert said.
Another woman said Moore called her at high school, during trig class, after she refused to give him her phone number. "That's impressive — Roy Moore actually made trigonometry the more appealing option," Colbert said. Moore is fighting back — against both the women and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Colbert analyzed Moore's signature in a high school yearbook and had a good laugh at Moore's misjudged "Bring. It. On" tweet.
Still, "all of these allegations have put Republicans in a tough position," Colbert noted. "They want to hold on to the Senate, but they don't want to back a perv." McConnell wanted Attorney General Jeff Sessions to step into the race, because of two attributes. "Yes, well-known and extremely popular in Alabama are the only criteria," Colbert said, "so in that case, your other choices are Forrest Gump, a statue of Bear Bryant, or a jug of sweet tea with sunglasses." He and bandleader Jon Batiste backed different candidates from that pool.
Colbert ended with a WWJD-inspired look at the $450 million sale of Leonardo Da Vinci's "Salvator Mundi." You can watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump "is back in the US of A and he went on TV today to brag about how great his Asia trip was," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "And it turns out it wasn't just attention he was thirsty for." He showed the clip of Trump awkwardly drinking from a bottle of water, then mimicked the actions. "All right, that's not fair," Colbert said. "Everybody gets dry mouth. I can't stand here on national television and make fun of a politician just for drinking water. That is childish — and Trump already did it way better with Rubio." If you don't remember Trump mocking Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), Colbert has your back.
Anyway, Trump is "back at work: watching TV and tweeting about it," Colbert said. "But Trump did accomplish one thing while he was in Asia," and he demanded thanks for it — intervening with China to free three UCLA men's basketball players arrested for shoplifting luxury sunglasses. "Oh, come on!" Colbert said. "You don't steal Louis Vuitton, you just buy a knockoff. I'm pretty sure China has a Chinatown."
Trump also returned home to a thorny dilemma on Roy Moore, the Alabama GOP Senate nominee. "Many Republican lawmakers have denounced Moore, but some of them are standing by their man," Colbert said, showing Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala.) fleeing from a reporter down a spiral staircase. "Running away from your problems in a downward spiral? I think we've got a new Republican metaphor."
But Moore is still fighting, and his supporters are using some shady tactics, Colbert said, playing the bizarre robocall from reporter "Bernie Bernstein." "Come on, a Jewish journalist part of a media conspiracy?" he asked. "The only worse stereotype would be a family-values Southern evangelical who turns out to be a secret perv." He still tried to top it with "a second Alabama robocall that really ups the ante." Watch below. Peter Weber
Roy Moore's girl problems in Alabama got worse when a New Yorker reporter found out that the GOP nominee for a Senate seat in Alabama was so notorious for hitting on teenage girls at the local mall in Gadsden, Alabama, when he was a 30-something assistant district attorney, he was banned from the mall. The punchlines practically write themselves, but The Late Show staff wrote them anyway, and Stephen Colbert delivered them Tuesday night. The audience had a pretty big reaction to his setup joke. "If you like that one, this is going to be a long 4 minutes," he said.
Colbert started the one-liners immediately and kept going. "The only place in the mall the girls were safe was Forever 21, because that is way too old for Roy Moore," he said. Noting that Moore liked to dress up to walk the mall alone, Colbert deadpanned: "Well, that's just Roy Moore's approach to romance: Put on your finest slacks and go a-food-courtin'." One girl said Moore met her at the Santa booth when she was a 14-year-old elf, so Colbert went there: "He hit on one of Santa's elves? Well, a true evangelical, he's putting the 'Christ!' back in Christmas." And he ended with a 1980s-style commercial for Gadsden Mall, with a very special selling point. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert reminded his Late Show audience on Monday that Roy Moore, the Republican Senate nominee in Alabama, was credibly accused of fondling a 14-year-old girl when he was an assistant district attorney — "which would be appropriate only if he were a 14-year-old assistant district attorney — kind of like a Douchie Howser," Colbert joked.
Moore might have weathered the storm, but another woman stepped forward Monday, with some evidence from a Christmas greeting Moore inscribed in the woman's yearbook. "That is disturbing, but it could still play well with evangelicals, because he didn't say 'Happy Holidays,'" Colbert said. "That's a dealbreaker." Republicans are trying to figure out how to push Moore out of the race, including postponing the election, and the Senate majority leader said he believes the women and thinks Moore should step down. "What is this strange feeling?" Colbert asked, pained. "I'm not sure this is the word — I agree with Mitch McConnell?"
President Trump hasn't taken a side in the Roy Moore-GOP brawl, claiming he doesn't have time to watch TV because he reads so many "documents," but he did say he believes Russian President Vladimir Putin when he denied interfering in the U.S. election, Colbert noted. "Yeah, and we know from past experience you can always trust a guy who repeatedly denies allegations — look at Weinstein, Cosby, Ailes, O'Reilly, Louis C.K., Brett Ratner, Bill Clinton, and future Sen. Roy Moore."
If Trump got along with many of the leaders he met with in Asia, he had some hard words for North Korea's Kim Jong Un. "There's a lot to unpack from this presidential tweet," Colbert said, picking the oddest one. "First of all, North Korea called him 'an old lunatic,' and his response was, 'What do you mean, old?'" Watch below. Peter Weber