Stephen Colbert shudders over Stormy Daniels' 'mind searing' new Trump disclosures, shrugs about Bert and Ernie
"Since I started hosting this show, I've had to cover some unfortunate topics — for example, everything, all the time," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. But "yesterday, the news hacked up a truly memorable hairball. So I have to warn you, the following story is unsuitable for viewers under the age of dead." He was talking, of course, about President Trump's genitals, as described in "mind-searing" and "harrowing detail" by Stormy Daniels in her new book, Full Disclosure. If you don't know them, Colbert had the specifics.
If Colbert seemed less than thrilled to spend a few minutes on Trump's sexual organs, Mario Kart's Toad was devastated — at least in this darkly comic Late Show cold open.
To lighten the mood, Colbert rolled his eyes at Trump's statement that Hurricane Florence is "one of the wettest we've ever seen, from the standpoint of water" — "That statement right there is one of the dumbest we've ever heard, from the standpoint of stupid," he deadpanned — and also the new controversy over Bert and Ernie's relationship.
"So, are Bert and Ernie a gay couple or are they simply two adult asexual men with no outside relationships living together to dull the pain of their loveless existence?" Colbert asked. "In any case, it's 2018 and this whole argument feels a little dated. The question we should be asking is: Are the Ninja Turtles a pansexual polyamorous quartet?" Watch below. Peter Weber
In her new book, Stormy Daniels writes about her night with President Trump "in detail," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show, pulling a face, "which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a straw." He came up with creative ways to dance around Daniels' description of the president's "Trump Tower." Because of her comparison of Trump's "Don Jr." to a popular video game character, "in the new Mario Kart, Toad collects gold coins and uses them as hush money," Fallon joked. He spliced together a clip of Trump "setting the record straight" on the matter.
Fallon then involved the studio audience in a game centered around Trump's slurred mispronunciation of certain words, joked about the Emmys proposal and Amazon's big plans for Alexa, and showed a viral video about a gender-reveal ceremony gone awry. Watch below. Peter Weber
Tracy 'LaDonald Trump' Morgan interrupts Jimmy Kimmel's discussion of the new Stormy Daniels tell-all
"While there have been a number of tell-alls about [President] Trump," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live, the new memoir from porn actress Stormy Daniels "is the first one that presents a detailed analysis of the president's genitalia." He read the entire description, which is as safe for work as network TV allows. "And just like that, I will never eat a mushroom or play a video game again," Kimmel joked. Daniels also said that Hillary Clinton called Trump while they were together during the 2008 Democratic primary, and they discussed some mysterious "plan."
Mid-joke, Tracy Morgan came out dressed in a suit and sporting Trump hair, an orange face, and tiny orange hands. He introduced himself as LaDonald Trump. "Tracy, what is this?" Kimmel asked. "What are you doing?" "This is a hilarious new character I created, just go with it," he said. They bantered about LaDonald's wife, first lady Mesothelioma, and his vice president, Mike Pence.
"I have to go, my nipples are getting itchy from the orange paint," Morgan said. "You know, I told you you didn't need to paint your whole body," Kimmel interjected. "I painted my whole body because I care about my craft," Morgan said, taking a little jab at his former 30 Rock co-star, now SNL's Trump impersonator: "Suck it, Alec Baldwin." He ambled over to the curtain hiding Emmy winner Glenn Weiss and his new fiancée, Jan Friedlander Svendsen, and crawled in bed with them.
Earlier in the show, Kimmel had interviewed the happy couple about Weiss' marriage proposal during Monday night's Emmys ceremony. You can watch that below. Peter Weber
The big summit between President Trump and Kim Jong Un is coming up, and "the stakes are almost as high as Trump and Kim's cholesterol — they're calling this one the Lipitor in Singapore," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. And Trump seems oddly relaxed about the whole thing. "You don't have to prepare," he said, repeating Trump. "Complex diplomacy with an international adversary has always been about 'tude." First lady Melania Trump finally made a public appearance, Colbert added. "Yesterday, she and the president met with FEMA officials to discuss hurricane preparedness — which is appropriate, because she disappeared after a Stormy."
That brought Colbert to his recurrent update on Stormy Daniels. "With everything going on in our busy lives, once in a while it's good to take a moment to stop and remember: Hey, our president had sex with a porn star," he said. Daniels filed a new lawsuit on Wednesday accusing her previous lawyer, Keith Davidson, of being a Trump "puppet" and working with Trump lawyer Michael Cohen against her interests.
"But Hurricane Stormy has also crossed the Atlantic and made landfall in Israel," thanks to an appearance in Tel Aviv by Rudy Giuliani, who belittled and besmirched Daniels and also insisted he doesn't "look at porn," right before telling someone filming his remarks to put the camera down. "Methinks the mayor may be protesting a little too much," Colbert said. He played more of Giuliani's remarks about Daniels, then went there: "Wow, I know Stormy Daniels is an adult-film star, but Rudolph Giuliani might be the biggest d--k she's ever seen — an unpleasant person!" he protested. He ended back on North Korea and, somehow, porn. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert began Monday's Late Show with safe wishes for the residents of Hawaii and a joke about that car swallowed by the lava from the Kilauea volcano. "Speaking of natural disasters, Rudy Giuliani," he said. After Giuliani plastered televisions nationwide last week to explain Michael Cohen's $130,000 hush payment to Stormy Daniels, President Trump slapped Giuliani down on Friday, saying his new lawyer is still learning the facts. "That's just Rudy Giuliani using a classic legal strategy: Step 1, go on every TV show known to man; Step 2, learn the facts of your case," Colbert joked.
But Giuliani wasn't done. He went on Sunday's This Week "to explain that when he said that Trump had reimbursed Cohen, he didn't know what he was talking about" and that it's very hard to "separate fact from opinion," Colbert said, and he agreed. "For instance, it's my opinion that he is clearly lying, but that's also a fact." And "when the subject turned to the actual payment to Stormy Daniels, Rudy's defense was: Size matters," he added. "Yeah, $130,000, you're lowballing her. ... Rudy says $1.3 million is the number you should be paid, so now we know how much it will cost to silence Giuliani — and Trump might have to do it because this weekend, Giuliani screwed him hard." Some of the jokes are kind of risqué for network TV.
The Late Show found a way to conduct its own "interview" with Giuliani, seen busily digging himself into a hole.
Colbert was a little underwhelmed with first lady Melania Trump's new policy initiative: the overall well-being of children. "That's kind of vague," he said. "It's like spending all year planning your Halloween party and you decide the theme is 'candy.'" And her slogan? Melania Trump is a very intelligent polyglot, Colbert said, but "for everyone on her team who signed off on 'Be Best," be better." Watch below. Peter Weber
Jimmy Kimmel and The Daily Show have plausible theories on the baffling Trump-Giuliani legal strategy
"Did you hear about that very old, very scary volcano that erupted over the weekend?" Jimmy Kimmel asked on Monday's Kimmel Live. "Well, his name is Rudy Giuliani." After his disastrous media blitzkrieg last week, Giuliani appeared on ABC's This Week and spouted a bunch of barely decipherable nonsense about Trump's payment to porn star Stormy Daniels, Kimmel said, and he knew it was gibberish because he went through it on a chalkboard.
"But I think I know what's going on here," Kimmel said. "I think their strategy right now is to put someone out there who's even nuttier than Trump to make him look normal by comparison, and it's working."
At The Daily Show, Trevor Noah wasn't so sure. "Do you think the president regrets bringing Giuliani onto the team? Because this feels like a total mess," he told correspondent Michael Kosta. "Rudy Giuliani is a legal wizard, and this is his Fantasia," Kosta said. He skillfully recapped Giuliani's contradictory statements over the past week in 40 seconds, sowing "reasonable doubt," then laid out Giuliani's "airtight" gambit, "the 'Scumbag Defense.'"
"All Rudy said was that the president might regularly pay women to be silent about affairs," Noah said. "Exactly," Kosta explained. "You see, paying off Stormy Daniels is only illegal if Trump did it to help his campaign, but if Trump was paying hush money to women all the time, then it wouldn't be for the campaign. It's just a reoccurring expense he barely pays attention to, like a cable bill or child support."
"So the bigger a cheating scumbag Trump is, the less likely it is that this hush money broke any laws?" Noah asked. "Bingo," Kosta said. "And that's why Rudy is a genius. All he has to do is prove to a jury that Donald Trump is a bad person, and there's not a jury in the world that would rule against that." Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel gawk at the damage 'Hurricane Rudy' did to Trump's Stormy Daniels case
President Trump's "got some problems — and we'll cover just some of them tonight in Stormy Watch," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "And it's not just a storm this time, it's Hurricane Rudy! Last night, Hurricane Rudy made landfall on Fox News, and Trump may have to declare himself a disaster area." Giuliani tore down months of denials that Trump was unaware of his fixer Michael Cohen's hush payment to Stormy Daniels and did not reimburse him, but he had an explanation. "What he's trying to ship here is the idea that Cohen gets $35,000 a month from Trump, and out of that he deducts all the hush money he pays," Colbert recapped. "It's all the porn stars you want to silence for one low monthly fee — Cohen calls his service Netchix."
"A visibly shaken, a shattered-to-his-core Sean Hannity tried to point out the looming iceberg in front of the SS Trumptanic, but Rudy said, 'Full steam ahead!'" Colbert said. "And Giuliani went on Fox & Friends this morning to explain the payment in even more damaging ways. ... There's something kind of admirable about being that bad of a liar."
"We don't have Scandal on Thursday nights anymore, so the president has been working overtime to fill that hole for us," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live, recapping the "new new bombshell": "So the president repaid Michael Cohen for the hush money he didn't know anything about — which almost makes you think maybe he did know something about it — and he 'funneled' it, which doesn't sound suspicious: That's how I pay all my porn stars, too, through a funnel." He had a theory on why this had to be a deliberate decision, "because they can't be this dumb," then for giggles, he showed a supercut of Giuliani's "crazy eyes" on Hannity.
And if you didn't get enough of Giuliani's colorful expressions, The Late Show creatively turned them into commentary on Giuliani's confessions. Watch below. Peter Weber
Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, and Jordan Klepper try to figure why Rudy Giuliani spilled Trump's Stormy Daniels beans
Until President Trump asked Rudy Giuliani to join his legal team, he and his allies had their story straight about Michael Cohen's $130,000 hush payment to porn star Stormy Daniels: Trump knew nothing. Then, "last night, Giuliani went on TV and flipped the Stormy Daniels payment story upside-down," Trevor Noah said on Thursday's Daily Show. "Rudy! What are you doing?" he asked. "Why would Giuliani and Trump change their story? There's no logical explanation."
One theory is that after the FBI's Cohen raid, the truth will come out, so better to reveal the information yourself. "Wow, imagine a PR crisis so bad that your best move is to admit you paid hush money to a porn star," Noah said. Salacious details aside, Trump and Cohen "might have broken the law," he added, and Giuliani's continuing confessions are just making everything worse.
"Rudy, what is wrong with you?" Seth Meyers asked on Late Night. "You're the president's lawyer and you just told everyone he lied on TV — on Sean Hannity's show. You cracked under no pressure. If Rudy Giuliani had been O.J.'s lawyer, he would have said, 'Hey, even if your gloves don't fit, you can still stab somebody.'" But he had his own theory about what's going on: "Every time someone in Trump's orbit gets a close-up look at the [Robert] Mueller investigation, they freak out ... and the same thing is happening with Giuliani."
No, "Giuliani is embarking on a bold new strategy: Don't deny the thing, don't excuse the thing, just say the thing," Jordan Klepper said on The Opposition. "Finally! We're done dancing around these snowflakes worried about laws and/or consequences! Who cares about the P.C. police — or the regular police? Rudy is the just-say-the-thing expert. ... And before you can say, 'Won't Donald Trump get in trouble for just saying the thing?' ask yourself: When has that ever happened before?" He broke out his gaslight. Watch below. Peter Weber