March 13, 2018

"Just when you think there can't be more presidential porn star news, suddenly there's a bumper crop," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. Stormy Daniels, the adult film star who says she had an extramarital affair with President Trump in 2006 and 2007, taped an interview with 60 Minutes last week, and Trump's lawyers are reportedly trying to stop it from airing on Sunday. "Huh, why would Donald Trump be scared of a show whose logo is a ticking clock slowly counting down the seconds until the time is up?" Colbert joked. "But here's the thing: Stopping someone from talking is called prior restraint, and the American legal system almost never allows such prior restraint of speech," he said, brandishing a Big Lebowski clip to prove it.

Daniels is so eager to get out of her nondisclosure agreement she wants to give back the $130,000 in apparent hush money, and she believes if Trump takes back the money, she's free to release any text messages, photos, and videos she might have of Trump. "Wait a minute, videos?" Colbert said. "Does that mean there's a Donald Trump sex tape?" He suggested an appropriately inappropriate title, had second thoughts — "we don't need to go that low," he said — then took the relative higher road with a report that Trump is "giddy" about being able to "break free of John Kelly's restraints." Wait, "up till now he was restrained?" Colbert asked in alarm. "And now he's broken free of his restraints? Quick, get a tranquilizer gun and shoot me with it!" Watch below. Peter Weber

March 9, 2018

Porn star Stormy Daniels is suing President Trump, arguing that her nondisclosure agreement is null because Trump (a.k.a. "David Dennison") did not sign it, Stephen Colbert reminded everyone on Thursday's Late Show, and Trump's personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, has hit back with a restraining order against Daniels. "That's right, a restraining order to protect the president of the United States," Colbert said, assuming lawyer voice: "Your honor, my client has no way to defend himself, other than the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, and the top secret Pentagon nano-hornets. Meanwhile, the defendant here is viciously armed with a photo of an old man's schvantz!"

"The White House has shown surprisingly disciplined silence about the Trump-paid-porn-star thing," Colbert said, or at least it had until Thursday's White House press briefing. "Oops-a-truthie," he said after playing Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitting there was Trump-involved arbitration. Trump wasn't pleased. "Let me get this straight: He's blaming Sarah Huckabee Sanders for the fallout from his affair with a porn star?" Colbert asked. "Happy International Women's Day."

"But enough about porn stars, let's get to the really sexy news: tariffs," Colbert said. He did that — and annotated Trump's charmingly awkward dialogue with the steel workers he invited to the tariff-signing ceremony — and you can watch that below. Peter Weber

March 8, 2018

It is evidently too good a joke to pass up, with a nor'easter and a lawsuit from adult film actress Stormy Daniels hitting the East Coast in the same week. "Stay safe out there everybody, especially President Trump, because there's a whole other storm that is headed his way," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "Okay, I know we're getting numb to the Trump presidency," he said, "but let those words sink in for a second: A porn star is suing the president. We have not seen anything like this since the famous headline, 'Dewey Boinks Truman.'"

Daniels is suing Trump to get out of a "hush" agreement she signed right before the 2016 election but, according to her suit, Trump did not. "So this is the thing Trump felt was too sketchy to put his name on?" Colbert asked. "What about Trump University, or Don Jr.?" He noted the "juicy" possibility that Daniels has salacious text messages or photos from Trump, then turned to his "favorite part about the lawsuit," the aliases: Trump was "David Dennison" and Daniels, "Peggy Peterson." Those are "odd names," Colbert said, "but it makes sense once you read the rest of the document, because those names are actually abbreviated in the suit as two of Trump's favorite things: double-Ds and PP."

"It turns out using campaign funds to pay off your porn star mistress could be a violation of campaign finance law," Colbert said, but Michael Cohen, Trump's "fixer" and probably "the greatest wingman of all time," insists he paid Daniels out of his own pocket. He wrapped up with a modified version of the song "Lean on Me," and a joke about getting screwed. There are plenty of double entendres in the clip and some of the language is borderline NSFW. Watch below. Peter Weber

March 8, 2018

A nor'easter pummeled the Northeast with snow on Wednesday, but "the other storm that is ravaging the East Coast today — specifically Washington, D.C. — is Stormy Daniels," Jimmy Kimmel said on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. He ran through the latest developments in the alleged extramarital affair the porn star had with President Trump in 2006 and 2007, the confirmed $130,000 that Trump's lawyer paid Daniels to stay quiet, and the new lawsuit Daniels filed against Trump, arguing that the nondisclosure agreement is null because Trump — alias "David Dennison" — never signed it.

Kimmel showed the agreement produced by Daniels' lawyer. "You can see, there's no signature next to the initials DD — and by the way, even his initials have to be double-Ds," he joked. "It's interesting, he remembers to put his name on everything else — water, vodka, steaks, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump — but he has a problem with bills: he doesn't sign them or pay them," apparently even to his own lawyer.

"The money was paid about 10 days before the election, and this is a nice detail: According to The Wall Street Journal, Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen — the one who put up the $130,000 — complained to friends that Trump still hadn't paid him back," Kimmel said. "Who are these people who loan Donald Trump money and think they're getting paid back?" He noted that technically, David Dennison owes Cohen the money, so he may be out of luck, but Kimmel wasn't just throwing spitballs: "I feel like there's so much tension between Stormy Daniels and the president right now, and I hate it when couples fight, so listen guys, if you're willing, I'd be happy to have you both on the show to act as mediator." He would probably have to physically fight off Dr. Phil for that interview/intervention. Peter Weber

February 21, 2018

"This morning, the White House was able to get a break from the scandals of today with a scandal from 10 years ago," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show, recapping the Washington Post profile of Rachel Crooks, who said President Trump forced an unwanted kiss on her in Trump Tower. "Of course, the president was far too consumed with today's domestic crises to notice this," Colbert began, quickly abandoning the joke to read Trump's odd tweeted denial.

"We're also hearing more about the women who actually consented to let Trump kiss them," Colbert said, pointing to the alleged affair Trump had with former Playboy model Karen McDougal. "No surprise — in her centerfold, her turn-ons included rampant corruption, thin-skinned egomaniacs, and one wide yellow hair piled atop a deflated basketball," he joked. McDougal sold her story to the National Enquirer before the election, then buried it until The New Yorker published McDougal's handwritten notes about the affair. "Welcome to Trump's America, where if the story is too steamy and trashy for the National Enquirer, you'll find it in The New Yorker," Colbert marveled.

He read some of McDougal's recollections. "Yes, Trump lets his mistresses know right up front that he's willing to pay — that's why he has a sign in his hotel room, 'We Validate Porking,'" Colbert quipped, throwing in several more off-color jokes, and an aside about Mr. T, as he walked through the details of the purported affair — and its dates. "How dare you, sir! Cheating on Stormy Daniels?" Colbert fake-huffed. "Do you not respect the sanctity of the billionaire-porn star relationship? You just go ahead and three-time the person you're two-timing with?"

"Bill Clinton would blush at how easily Trump seems to duck consequences" of his "slow-moving sex scandal," including "porn stars, hush money, caught-on-tape crudeness, and tawdry tabloids," Mike Allen said at Axios, but with Daniels and McDougal promising to talk, it may speed up soon. Peter Weber

February 15, 2018

"Have you heard the latest on Stormy Daniels?" Jimmy Kimmel asked on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. On Tuesday night, President Trump's longtime personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, admitted that he paid the adult film star and alleged Trump paramour $130,000 right before the election, but out of his personal money. "He says he made a 'private transaction' — and would not comment on whose privates were transacted on — but this story is so unbelievable," Kimmel said. "I mean, the part about Trump not paying him back is believable, that I believe. The rest? What kind of an idiot would believe that his lawyer decided to pay a porn star more than $100,000 for no reason? They didn't have sex? He just decided to give her money?"

Kimmel Live gamely put together a TV ad for Cohen's imagined law firm that explained everything — or, rather, highlighted the ridiculousness of Cohen's position. Kimmel also volunteered to be the person Stormy Daniels tells her story to, now that, according to her agent, she believes Cohen invalidated their nondisclosure agreement. "This has to be handled sensitively — I feel like I'm nothing if not that," he deadpanned. Watch below. Peter Weber