President Trump's profane response to NFL players who are using their platform to peacefully protest police brutality is enough for Seth Meyers to dub Trump the "first NC-17 president."
On Friday, Trump said players who kneel during the national anthem should be fired, shouting, "get that son of a bitch off the field." On Monday's Late Night, Meyers asked viewers to "just take a step back and consider how embarrassing it is that news anchors now have to introduce comments from the president by warning little children to leave the room." While Trump's the first NC-17 president, "it's not even a good NC-17 movie," Meyers said. "Trump is basically the Showgirls of presidents. Trump's presidential library is going to be in the back of a video store where they keep all the pornos. You're going to have to enter through a beaded curtain."
Trump's "unhinged rant" just went downhill from there, Meyers continued, as Trump claimed the NFL is seeing its ratings drop because people would rather watch him. "That's right, in Donald Trump's mind, people are turning off NFL games, gathering their friends, and ordering pizza to watch an out-of-shape blowhard shuffle around like he got separated from a tour group." If you think that's harsh, watch the video below and skip ahead to Late Night writer Amber Ruffin's three-minute burn session. Catherine Garcia
Jimmy Kimmel shared a very personal story with viewers earlier this year about how when his son, Billy, was born, doctors discovered he had a condition that required emergency open-heart surgery. Billy is doing great now, but the experience left an emotional Kimmel wondering how in the United States, whether you live or die could hinge on how much money you have.
Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.) later appeared on Kimmel's show, and told him he was going to enact the "Jimmy Kimmel Test," meaning families with kids like Billy shouldn't be denied health care and there shouldn't be any limits to how much insurance companies pay. "He got a lot of credit and attention for coming off like a rare, reasonable voice in the Republican Party when it came to health care," Kimmel said on Tuesday night's Jimmy Kimmel Live. But now Cassidy and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) have made up their own health-care bill, which completely fails the Jimmy Kimmel Test — about 30 million people would lose coverage, states would decide if insurance companies can charge people more for pre-existing conditions and if they could enact lifetime caps, and many people would have higher premiums, Kimmel said.
The hypocrisy was not lost on the host (who tweeted before the show a picture showing a very happy Billy helping him write the monologue). He shared clips of Cassidy's publicity tour touting the Jimmy Kimmel Test, and he said he doesn't appreciate the fact that Cassidy "just lied right to my face." Kimmel ordered Cassidy to stop using his name, and to stop by the studio anytime to take the new Jimmy Kimmel Test — "it's called a lie detector test." Watch the video below. Catherine Garcia
With the Russia investigation continuing to cast shadows over his administration, President Trump is trying to further his domestic agenda and drum up support for issues like tax reform, but with a special counsel reportedly "going for the kill," there's not much he can do to make things at the White House look good, Seth Meyers said on Wednesday's Late Night.
Just glancing at Special Counsel Robert Mueller should be enough to convince you he means business. "He looks like the police chief from every 1950s noir film," Meyers said. "He looks like he should be holding a bullhorn and shouting, 'You're surrounded, McMurphy.' … He doesn't even get haircuts, he just looks at his hair in the mirror and says, 'Get shorter.'" The federal probe has ensnared many key Trump aides, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who failed to disclose several meetings he had with Russians. The Wall Street Journal reported that members of Trump's legal team thought it would be best for Kushner to resign because of his many ties to Russia, but that's difficult for someone who's been tasked with basically saving the entire world.
"Jared Kushner resign?" Meyers asked. "But then who would be in charge of U.S.-China relations, U.S.-Mexico relations, criminal justice reform, opioid crisis management, veteran care reform, the White House Office of American Innovation, revamping the entire federal government, painting the Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt, and peace in the Middle East? Jared Kushner has more jobs than Steve Harvey — he's the white Steve Harvey." As if that's not enough to deal with, people like InfoWars' Alex Jones are trying to help Trump in the worst possible ways — in Jones' case, that involves claiming Trump's Diet Cokes are being laced with an addictive sedative that causes him to start slurring his words at 6 p.m. "That's how bad things are right now," Meyers said. "The president's allies are defending him by saying he's not incompetent, he's being secretly drugged." Watch the video below. Catherine Garcia
As people in Texas, Florida, and other states affected by Hurricanes Harvey and Irma start to rebuild, many will have to rely on assistance from the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), and that's slightly worrisome, Seth Meyers said, considering who's at the helm.
Before entering politics, HUD Secretary Ben Carson was a gifted and respected neurosurgeon, but that doesn't make a person qualified to run a major government agency, Meyers said on Tuesday's Late Night. Carson has made statements that run counter to the organization's core mission, said people shouldn't feel too comfortable in public housing (announcing this after getting stuck inside an elevator at a Miami housing complex), and has yet to fill several positions at HUD. To really make his point, Meyers showed clips from a semi-bonkers speech Carson made at HUD in March, where he discussed how as a kid he loved going to the doctor to "smell the alcohol swabs," and marveled at his ability to make a hole in the side of a person's head to put depth electrodes into their hippocampus. "What does that have to do with Housing and Urban Development?" Meyers asked. "How many alcohol swabs did you smell?"
Adding to questionable leadership is the fact that under Trump's budget plan, HUD's next budget would be cut 13 percent from 2017, which would make an impact on people who have no choice but to turn to HUD for help rebuilding homes and businesses. Trump did sign a $15 billion hurricane-related aid bill, Meyers acknowledged, but it seems clear the administration does not understand the importance of programs like HUD. "Now is not the time to cut back on disaster relief programs," he said. "Especially not when hurricanes are lining up like they have numbers at a deli." Watch the video below. Catherine Garcia
On Colbert's Late Show, Bernie Sanders responds to Hillary Clinton, tries to say something nice on Trump
On Thursday's Late Show, Stephen Colbert asked Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) if he missed the cheers from crowds, now that he's no longer campaigning for president. He said yes, but he is promoting a book, Bernie Sanders Guide to Political Revolution. Instead of talking about it, Colbert asked about the book coming out from Hillary Clinton, who will be on The Late Show Sept. 19. He read Sanders some of Clinton's comments about him and the lasting damage she said Sanders did to her campaign, making it harder to unify progressives.
Sanders disagreed with that assessment, saying "the progressive movement today and grassroots activism is stronger than it has been in many, many years," and crediting his campaign for getting younger people to vote and run for office. "We have got to stand together against [President] Trump's efforts to divide us up, take on the billionaire class, and make that political revolution," Sanders said. Then he took a stab at unity: "Look, you know, Secretary Clinton ran against the most unpopular candidate in the history of this country, and she lost, and she was upset about it, and I understand that. But our job now is really not to go backwards. It is to go forward."
Colbert agreed, then turned back to 2016 with a wink, asking about Clinton's line about Sanders promising ponies. Sanders said none of his promises were "pipe dreams." His campaign "broke through a box" and "helped transform politics in America," he said. Colbert asked Sanders for some suggestions on what he should ask Clinton about those ponies, and Sanders said she should join the progressive crusade. "We need her help to go forward, let's not keep arguing about 2016," he said. "Let's get together, take on Trump's desire to divide us up, let's go forward with a progressive agenda. Ask her if she'll do that."
Colbert asked Sanders to say something nice about Trump, and after a pause, Sanders said he liked Trump's campaign rhetoric "about taking on the pharmaceutical industry and lowering the very, very high cost of prescription drugs in this country." Sanders talked about the Medicare-for-all bill he is introducing next Wednesday and infrastructure, and when Colbert asked if he's running in 2020, Sanders demurred. The American people want progress, and "they do not like never-ending campaigns," he said, truthfully. "Media likes that, I don't think people do." Watch below. Peter Weber
Daniel Craig had some news to make on Tuesday's Late Show, and he said he'd been saving it for Stephen Colbert. Colbert got the ball rolling, telling Craig he thinks he's the best of the six James Bonds and asking if, as rumored, he is going to reprise the role. "I've been quite cagey," Craig said. "I've been doing interviews all day, and people have been asking me and I think I've been rather coy, but I kind of felt like, you know, if I was going to speak the truth, I should speak the truth to you." The answer, of course, was yes. "I couldn't be happier," he said, and neither could Colbert, who exclaimed, "Hot damn!"
"I have to apologize to all the people I've done interviews today," Craig said, and Colbert assured him, "You did the right thing." He said he has been sitting on the news for "several months," and that he always wanted to return to the role, though he "needed a break." Colbert fact-checked him, noting he said he would rather slit his wrists than play Bond again, and Craig apologized for the "really stupid answer" he gave to a reporter two days after wrapping Spectre. Still, he said, this will probably be his last Bond film. "I just want to go out on a high note, and I can't wait," he said. They also, sometimes punchily, talked about Colbert's crush on Craig's wife, Craig's new movie Logan Lucky, and his cameo in The Force Awakens. Peter Weber
On Tuesday, President Trump threatened to rain "fire and fury" down on North Korea if it continues to threaten the United States, earning a retaliatory threat against Guam from Pyongyang. "People are understandably very worked up about this," Jimmy Kimmel said on Tuesday's Kimmel Live. "According to a new poll — and this poll was taken before the president's threat today — a majority of Americans, 75 percent, believe that North Korea's nuclear program is a critical threat to the United States. But what I wonder is, how many Americans even know where North Korea is." Because it is Kimmel, he sent a camera crew and a map out onto Hollywood Blvd. and asked passersby. The sample that made it onto TV were generally open to military action in North Korea, but you won't be surprised at their geography knowledge. "I'm not a geographer," as one dude explained. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert finds a common thread between Mike Pence's ambitions, Fox host Eric Bolling's sexting scandal
Well, no wonder President Trump needs a vacation, Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. Just look at his poll numbers — specifically a recent Quinnipiac poll with really bad approval ratings for Trump. To wit, "33 percent?" Colbert marveled. "As Meatloaf so famously said, two out of three ain't bad, but one out of three sucks." And as Trump's approval numbers fall, "some have their eyes on Trump's job," reportedly including Vice President Mike Pence, he said, citing a New York Times report and ancillary evidence.
"No veep has acted this suspiciously since Grover Cleveland's vice president, Eustace P. McBackstabby," Colbert said, fancifully. He read Pence's strong denial, then laughed: "He's definitely running."
Pence isn't the only one considering a run for higher office, Colbert said, pointing to the sexting scandal engulfing Fox News personality Eric Bolling. "What happened to old fashioned courtship, when a gentleman would telegraph his genitalia?" he asked, acting this out. Bolling denied the allegations, kind of. "He doesn't recall?" Colbert asked. "How do you forget sending someone your bits and pieces?"
Bolling, of course, said some pretty hard things about Anthony Weiner when he was caught sending pictures of his genitals over text on multiple occasions. Not that Bolling was wrong, but "you know what they say about people who live in glass houses," Colbert said: "It's really easy to show your junk to the neighborhood." That metaphor might be a little too apt, he added, relating an allegation about Bolling from another female Fox News employee involving his glass office. That brought him to Bolling's backup plan in case his Fox News suspension become permanent: a run for U.S. Senate. Colbert already had some ideas: "Get ready for Bolling 2018 — though the lawn signs will have to be blurred." Watch below. Peter Weber