Feature

Fish stories, and more

Good week for: Fish stories, Getting rid of those worry lines, Jellyfish; Bad week for: Show and tell, Healthy breakfasts, Frequent urinators  

Good week for:

Fish stories, after a Florida fisherman reeled in a live missile from waters used for weapons training by the Navy. The bomb squad that dismantled it said it could have exploded at any time.

Getting rid of those worry lines, after a Virginia clinic offered free Botox injections to the unemployed. “You’re more likely to be perceived in a better light if you look good,” explained first-in-line patient Benita Jenkins.

Jellyfish, after researchers said that if current trends in overfishing, pollution, and global warming continue unabated, the slimy, undulating sea creatures will take over the oceans. In a few decades, warned Australian marine biologist Dr. Anthony Richardson, the oceans could be “jellyfish dominated.”

Bad week for:

Show and tell, after Ian Barry, a high school junior in Gig Harbor, Wash., lit up a joint during an oral presentation arguing for the legalization of marijuana. “I stand up for what I believe in,” explained Barry, who was promptly arrested and expelled.

Healthy breakfasts, after a California judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by a woman who said she had purchased “Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries” because she believed “crunchberries” were real fruit. She found, to her dismay, that they are brightly colored cereal balls.

Frequent urinators, after European budget carrier Ryanair announced plans to charge passengers $1.60 for each trip to the bathroom. Two of the three bathrooms on each plane will also be removed to make room for extra seats. “We are flying aircraft on an average flight time of one hour around Europe,” said CEO Michael O’Leary. “What the hell do we need three toilets for?”

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