Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Preparation, after fashion brand Louis Vuitton hired a shaman to ensure that no rain would fall during last week’s outdoor fashion show in France. (No rain fell.) The unidentified holy man from Brazil reportedly only travels by private jet and commands a six-figure fee for every act of weather control.
Gingers, after emojis representing red-haired people were finally added to the official Unicode alphabet of emojis, thanks to lobbying from Scotland, where 13 percent of the population is red-haired.
Progress, after the Miss America Organization scrapped the notorious swimsuit portion of the contest. “We are not going to judge you on your outward appearance,” said new chairwoman Gretchen Carlson, a former Miss America and onetime Fox News host.
Bad week for:
Ritual displays of patriotism, after President Trump appeared not to know the words to “God Bless America” at his hastily organized patriotic rally on the White House lawn. After singing the initial few words, Trump fell silent, bobbing his head. He resumed singing only when the words were “God Bless America.”
The Deep State, after a dancing FBI agent did a backflip in a Denver bar, dropped his gun, and accidentally discharged it when he picked it up, shooting another patron in the leg.
Citing Scripture, after a Florida woman arrested for DUI demanded police release her on the grounds that “Jesus drank wine and so did I.” Nicole Mintner, 45, later confessed to having also taken Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication not mentioned in the Bible.