Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Men, who won every single one of the “Gender Equality Awards” issued by the United Arab Emirates. The UAE explained the impressive clean sweep by saying the most woman-friendly government agencies last year all “happened to be entities led by men.”
Math emergencies, after a 911 dispatcher in Indiana helped a desperate schoolboy with his math homework. Dispatcher Antonia Bundy talked the boy through how to add fractions, and the relieved boy thanked her and apologized for calling 911.
Truth serum, after former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie downed tequila shots on Stephen Colbert’s Late Show and said his friend Donald Trump “blew” the shutdown fight, and had turned “the Republican Party into something different than it was.” Asked if he’d have been a better president, Christie said, “Yes.”
Bad week for:
Intimacy, with a warning from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that people should no longer “kiss or snuggle hedgehogs.” Ten people have recently contracted a rare form of salmonella after close contact with pet hedgehogs.
Vigilantes, after the sheriff of Maricopa County in Arizona temporarily suspended the use of Old West–style armed “posses” to track down criminals. The department has lost track of 50 firearms, including 29 fully automatic weapons.
North Koreans, who have been told to produce 200 pounds of “human manure” every day, to help fertilize the nation’s crops, and to pay for any shortfall in cash. Since no human makes that much poop, the new directive seems to be a unique kind of tax.