Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Fornicators, after the Utah state legislature this week belatedly voted to repeal the law criminalizing fornication, in which an unmarried person “voluntarily engages in sexual intercourse with another.”
Integrity, after the ex-wife of a man who just won $273 million in the Mega Millions lottery announced that she doesn’t want him back or a cent of his winnings, despite supporting him for years. “He’s not appealing to me all of a sudden because he has this money,” said Eileen Murray, 53. “I have morals.”
Efficiency, with President Trump’s denial that he referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as “Tim Apple” during a recent White House meeting. When a video showed that Trump had, in fact, said “Tim Apple,” Trump tweeted that it was “an easy way to save time & words.”
Bad week for:
Restaurant menus, after the mayor of Bologna, Italy, launched a campaign to convince the world that the meat-based pasta sauce known globally as bolognese has no historical connection to his city. “Spaghetti bolognese doesn’t actually exist,” said mayor Virginio Merola, 64. Bologna, he said, did create tagliatelle and tortellini.
Jingle Bells, with the arrest of Clayton Lucas, 25, of Pittsburgh, who allegedly tried to choke his Lyft driver from the back seat because the man wouldn’t stop singing out-of-season Christmas songs.
Biblical literalism, after a South African diver was swept, Jonah-like, into the mouth of a feeding Bryde’s whale. Rainer Schimpf, 51, says, “It got dark, I felt some pressure on my hip, and I instantly knew a whale had grabbed me.” Fortunately, the filter-feeding whale spit the intruder out of its baleen.