Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Earthlings, after a large, previously undetected “city killer” asteroid hurtled past Earth at 54,000 mph, missing the planet by only 45,000 miles—less than a fifth of the distance to the moon. “Sooner or later there will be one with our name on it,” said Alan Duffy, lead scientist at the Royal Institution of Australia.
Chillin’, with the launch “Snowballs,” a “scientifically backed, patent-pending” pair of freezable underwear designed to keep male genitalia cool, comfortable, and fertile during the hotter months of the year. “Kept area cool when needed,” said one satisfied reviewer.
Rehabilitation, after a British judge sentenced a man who had broken his ex-partner’s window to 50 minutes in jail, believed to be the shortest sentence in British history. “I am truly sorry for my actions,” a reformed Shane Jenkins, 23, wrote during his incarceration.
Bad week for:
Oenophiles, after President Trump threatened to put tariffs on French wine and declared, “American wine is better than French wine!” A teetotaler, Trump later said, “I just like the way they look.”
Automation, with an inspector general’s report that a supposedly self-cleaning toilet in the Washington, D.C., metro system required more than $500,000 in maintenance over 14 years, and nonetheless “has been out of service since the fall of 2017.”
Privacy, after research revealed people ages 18 to 22 to be the masters of sexting, with nearly 40 percent admitting to having sent naked or seminaked pictures of themselves to another person. A modest—but still impressive!—3 percent of people over 74, in what Tom Brokaw calls “The Greatest Generation,” also admit to sexting.