Good week/Bad week
Good week for:
Modern vampires, after Ambrosia, a Silicon Valley startup, resumed selling transfusions of blood plasma from young donors to wealthy, aging customers hoping to reinvigorate themselves. Ambrosia’s CEO had temporarily suspended operations after the FDA warned that the transfusions—which cost $8,000 per liter—had “no proven clinical benefit.”
Ivanka Trump, who has single-handedly created 14 million jobs since 2017, a senior White House official (her father) boasted in a speech. This means Ivanka deserves credit for a staggering 233 percent of the 6 million U.S. jobs created during this period.
Stasis, after the Dow Jones industrial average closed on Tuesday at 27691.49, representing a daily loss or gain of exactly 0.00 percent. This was the market’s first “flat finish” since 2014.
Bad week for:
Millennials, with a new study warning of “troubling generational health patterns” among those born between 1981 and 1996, including depression, hyperactivity, high cholesterol, and substance abuse. “Without intervention,” the study says, Millennials could have a 40 percent higher mortality rate than (the preceding) Generation X.
Long-term plans, after a team of scientists and statisticians estimated that humanity has a 1 in 14,000 chance of going extinct next year due to asteroid strikes, supervolcano eruptions, or nuclear war.
Reruns, after Hillary Clinton said “many, many, many people” were pleading with her to enter the Democratic presidential race. “I, as I say, never, never, never say never,” said Clinton.