Good week/bad week
Good week for:
Safest sex, after New York City’s Department of Health issued an advisory recommending masturbation during the pandemic. “You are your safest sex partner,” the department noted.
Gorillas, with news that staff at New York’s Bronx Zoo are donning full protective gear during the pandemic, given the genetic similarities between apes and humans and the possibility of viral transmission between the two species.
Objective reality, after the Federal Emergency Management Agency added a “Coronavirus Rumor Control” page to its website. Visitors are informed that “FEMA does not have military personnel” and is thus incapable of imposing martial law, and that there are currently no magic cures or treatments for Covid-19.
Bad week for:
Liberation, after Britain’s Daily Mail warned women that going bra-less for weeks while quarantined at home could damage Cooper’s ligament and cause breasts to sag permanently.
Pants, which have fallen out of fashion as white-collar workers shift to videoconferencing. “We’re seeing increased sales in tops, but not bottoms,” said Walmart executive Dan Bartlett. “People are concerned, obviously, from the waist up.”
David Geffen, who deleted his Instagram account after the billionaire music mogul was widely mocked for posting that he was “isolated in the Grenadines avoiding the virus.” The post was illustrated with photos of Geffen’s $590 million superyacht, cruising alone in an azure sea as the sun sets in a blaze of color.