"As crazy as things have gotten in this country, it's nice to remember that Britain's government is in absolute shambles," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. Yes, "the Brit has definitely hit the fan," thanks to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his reckless push to exit Britain from the European Union without a withdrawal agreement.
Johnson dialed up the chaos by suspending Parliament for five weeks, starting Tuesday, Colbert said. and "Parliament did not take that so well. In fact, they took their anger out on — and this is where things really get weird — a woman called Black Rod. By the way, if you're watching this at work, do not google 'black rod.' ... Why don't we get cool names like Black Rod for the people in our government? Instead of speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi could be 'Gaveloria, Empress of the Crimson Thunder.'"
Black Rod is the queen's representative in the House of Lords, but her job "in this case was to tell Parliament to go home — and here's how she was received," Colbert said. "It is not every day you get to see a roomful of adults loudly booing a blinged-out version of the Quaker Oats guy." At that point, in stepped "my favorite person in the entire world," Commons speaker John Bercow, he said, fondly imagining a brunch date with the outgoing speaker.
Back in U.S. politics, President Trump "spent a good portion of the day solemnly remembering his poll numbers," which aren't great, Colbert said. "Things are so bad for Trump, a new poll has six Democrats leading him in Texas." The 10 top Democratic candidates are debating Thursday night, and they will be live — like, really live, he said, "because we just found out they will have no seven-second delay" and the candidates were warned not to swear onstage, Colbert said. He had a good idea which candidate that warning was for, and it wasn't Joe Biden and his "malarkeys." Watch below. Peter Weber
Britain has been "trying to Brexit the EU for three years now, but every time an agreement has been reached, Brexit hardliners have derailed it over something called the 'Irish backstop,'" Stephen Colbert explained on Wednesday's Late Show. The inability to reach agreement on that issue sank former Prime Minister Theresa May, and "Brexit is now in the hands of new prime minister and midlife crisis Draco Malfoy, Boris Johnson."
Johnson took office promising to Brexit, with or without a deal, but on Tuesday he lost his one-seat majority in the House of Commons, which then voted to thwart his no-deal Brexit, leading Johnson to kick 21 fellow Conservative MPs out of the party. "These lawmakers bucking their own party to stand up to an unnaturally blond man with terrible ideas gives me hope — if they can do it, maybe we can too!" Colbert said. "Great Britain is always ahead of us with stuff like this — they elected a woman head of state in 1979, and we didn't do that until possibly someday."
"Honestly, I don't get why anyone still thinks they can do Brexit," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "You realize it has now destroyed three prime ministers. I mean, clearly it's cursed. It's like one of the treasures in an Indiana Jones movie — everyone who touches it is just going to be, like, melting." He suggested "things in Britain are so bad," India should just colonize them.
Noah also laughed at President Trump's apparent Sharpie edit to a map of Hurricane Dorian, adding a black circle around a corner of Alabama. "And he thought we wouldn't notice," he sighed. "Either that, or he wanted to give the hurricane bigger boobs. ... Someone's like, 'Sir, this hurricane is Category 5.' He's like, 'Uh, actually, now it's a 10.'"
"According to a new poll, former Vice President Joe Biden leads President Trump by 9 points in Wisconsin," Late Night's Seth Meyers added. "And when Trump heard that, he updated the hurricane map again." Watch below. Peter Weber