"Over the weekend, sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his New York jail cell," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "Now apparently, he — they say, and I guess they would know, though they can't say how — committed suicide. Which is surprising, because three weeks ago, he was found unconscious with marks on his neck — how the marks got there, authorities did not share with the public — and yet Epstein was left alone and not closely monitored. Now, maybe he was just in one of those prisons that really value inmate privacy. Then again, Epstein knew a lot of powerful and important people. ... A who's who of 'Who's Jeffrey Epstein? I've never met Jeffrey Epstein!'"
Given his alleged crimes and powerful friends — including President Trump and former President Bill Clinton — Epstein's death "has set off a wild wave of conspiracy theories online, the sort of stuff that only unstable tinfoil-hat loons could possibly believe — so Donald Trump," Colbert said. He did not subscribe to the conspiracy theory Trump boosted. "Really? Really? That's your theory? I'm not saying that the Clintons don't have any power — they could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in New York City; party of four, 7 o'clock on a Saturday, maybe not — but masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high-profile prisoner in maximum-security federal custody? They couldn't even mastermind a visit to Wisconsin."
Still, Trump clearly thinks this "dangerous and completely unfounded murder conspiracy theory about his predecessor" is "the only logical answer," Colbert sighed, following Trump down his "rabbit hole" to — well, a different, only slightly more logical answer. He ended with Trump's very Trump-centric visit to El Paso and Dayton last week, his reported fury at not getting accolades for his visit, his trouble finding patients willing to meet with him, and his single, often unfortunate pose for photos, be it a baby orphaned by a mass shooter, a dictator, or a taco bowl. Watch below. Peter Weber
"Pedophile and fake billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell after he apparently committed suicide on Saturday morning — which, if you ask me, is some bulls--t," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "I wanted Jeffrey Epstein to stay alive for two reasons: One, so that his victims could get their day in court, and two, I wanted him to snitch on all his high-profile pedophile friends. Now he's dead!"
"We already had questions about whole pedophile operation; now we have additional questions about how he died," Noah said. "They weren't checking in on Epstein and they took him off suicide watch. Why?" Because Epstein's circle "included some high-profile individuals, everyone from Bill Clinton and Donald Trump all the way to famous scientists and even royalty," he added, "many out there are wondering if Epstein really suicided himself."
Noah said it's "pretty wild" that the president of the United States is getting in on the conspiracy mongering, but "it's not just Trump. It seems like everybody thinks that something shady happened here. People on the right are saying it was the Clintons who killed Jeffrey, people on the left are saying Trump killed him, Jussie Smollett says it was two white Nigerian guys. And I don't know, guys. I'm not a conspiracy theorists but something weird happened here." His theory: America did it.
"Thanks to overworked staff and underfunded prisons, suicide among inmates is all too common in the United States," he said. "I get why everybody's suspicious of how this all went down ... but to be honest, I'm also not sure that there's a conspiracy here. If anything, for me the conspiracy has been taking place over the last 10 years," starting with Epstein's mysterious sweetheart plea deal in Florida. "And maybe," he said, "just maybe, what happened here is the result of there not being a conspiracy anymore and Epstein being treated, for the first time, just like everyone else." Watch below. Peter Weber