On Tuesday's Late Show, Stephen Colbert celebrated the successful rescue of 12 Thai youths and their soccer coach from a flooded cave. "Everybody loves this story! Are you listening, Mr. President? Freeing children makes people like you." He noted that some 3,000 migrant children are still detained in the U.S. after being forcibly separated from their parents, and that a majority of the 102 kids under 5 still have not been reunited despite a Tuesday court deadline (though, it should be noted, the remaining children are not in "cages").
"These kids would have a better chance of being reunited with their parents if they went spelunking with a Thai soccer coach," Colbert said, pointing to Trump's chaotic and secretive reunification regime. "So we're at the point as a nation where the good news is that the government is throwing kids into unmarked vans," he said. "Next we're supposed to be cheering on America's heroic sewer clowns." Every detained migrant gets their day before an immigration judge, including, in one recent case, a 1-year-old. Colbert re-enacted what that baby might say if he learned immigration law, as the judge suggested.
Speaking of babies, Colbert shook his head over the Trump administration's aggressive efforts to water down a World Health Organization resolution to support breastfeeding. "Of course, this is the Trump administration, so I assume they want to replace the word 'breast' with something more tasteful, like 'fun bags,'" Colbert joked. He ran through this bizarre tale of international intrigue — over, again, breastfeeding — then pointed out how sinister the language of infant-rearing can be with the right accent.
And also speaking of babies, London Mayor Sadiq Khan has approved a protest for Trump's England visit featuring a giant unflattering Baby Trump blimp, and The Late Show had some thoughts on that. Watch below. Peter Weber
It's summer, which means "presidential rally season," Jordan Klepper said on The Opposition Tuesday night, "and the left wants to say these rallies are just echo chambers where the president makes up facts. But all I hear is incontrovertible winning." He played some of the questionable claims Trump made on Monday night. "If the president was a liar, would he draw crowds so big that they literally get bigger every time he tells that story?" Klepper asked. "Checkmate, media. We all know the president does not lie."
Klepper brought out Tim Baltz, who disagreed. "They're acting like Trump's constant lies are a bad thing," he said. "Lying is his thing, Jordan," Baltz added, after Klepper protested, and as a tactic it's "easy, fun, presidential." "Tim, you're wrong, Trump is the first honest president we've ever had — he tells it like it is," Klepper said. "No, you're wrong, Jordan," Baltz shot back. "Trump tells it like we want to hear it, with lies."
"Trump can't be a liar — he's the president," Klepper said. "If he were a liar, he would have faced some sort of consequences." "Good one, Jordan," Baltz said, laughing. "Trump and his friends don't face consequences because they have a second ingenious tactic that they go to anytime they get challenged: Keep f---ing lying. ... We don't care if Donald Trump is telling the truth, as long as his lies are punishing our worst enemies: Americans we disagree with. And that's what's so beautiful for us conservatives in this moment. We've been given a chance to govern, and this is what we chose to do with it: Create your own reality that can't be bothered by facts or laws." "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impressed," Klepper said. Baltz rolled his eyes: "Yeah, why aren't you lying? Have you learned nothing?" It doesn't end well. Watch below. Peter Weber
"Here's a sentence I don't often say: Donald Trump did something good," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. Commuting the life sentence of great-grandmother and nonviolent drug offender Alice Johnson was the right thing to do, he said, "but maybe he did the right thing for the wrong reason. Because there was no legal process or review, as there normally is. Trump just commuted her sentence because of a meeting with Kim Kardashian. So executive clemency is now just a reality TV show — stay tuned for The Pardoner."
In fact, people are now going on Fox News to beg Trump to pardon their husbands, Colbert noted. "Going on Fox News is one of the best ways to make sure Trump gets your message — other than writing it on his steak in ketchup." But Trump has pardons on his mind more than ever these days, he added. "Insiders say Trump's become fixated on his ability to issue pardons because it's the one area where he has almost unchecked power. And I'm actually okay with that. It's like letting a toddler play with an electric razor: It's gonna look crazy when it's over but he's having a good time."
Colbert turned to Trump's new tariffs on Canada, Mexico, and the EU, "also known as the legion of people who still like us," he joked — or did like us, anyway. Canada is upset because, among other reasons, Trump first had to classify Canada as a national security threat, a proposition he reportedly backed up by asking Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau if it wasn't true that Canada burned down the White House. (It isn't.). "Trump was probably referring to the War of 1812 when, in actuality, British troops burned down the White House," Colbert said. "Still, that is shockingly almost accurate. Since when does Donald Trump know anything about American history?" Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert asks Stephen King about Trump's Twitter block, grills the Devil about that White House sinkhole
On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled that President Trump can no longer block people on Twitter. "So for those of you who can once again read Donald Trump's tweets, congratulations! — and I am so sorry," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "From now on, if Trump wants to send messages exclusively to his supporters, he'll have to do so on his Etsy pages." He explained the ruling and said it was "adorable" that the judge thought her decision would encourage Trump to change his habits.
Colbert pivoted from Trump's tweets to the staffers who ghostwrite them, reportedly including typos to make them seem authentically Trump. He feigned disbelief at this perfidy, and said he felt personally betrayed by the revelation that some staffer writes some of the tweets Colbert has made an art of reading in Trump's voice. "It's so dishonest — I mean, I would never come out here and read a bunch of words I didn't write myself," he added, throwing in a little self-deprecation.
Colbert was able to ask Stephen King about being blocked by Trump on Twitter. King touched on what got him Trump-blocked and he didn't seem overly broken up about it — in fact, he blocked both Trump and Vice President Mike Pence in return, for slightly different reasons.
Finally, Colbert took a look at the sinkhole that's opening up on the White House lawn. "It's true — it finally happened: The Earth is fighting back," Colbert said. But he wasn't convinced by the geologist who assured everyone that sinkholes aren't "the gates of hell opening," so he threw to the Devil in hell, who — it turns out — did disavow responsibility. "Oh, here no!" the Devil said. "I don't want to get mixed up with Donald Trump! Have you seen what they did to Michael Cohen? I don't need Mueller on my ass — I run a legitimate business torturing the damned." Peter Weber
Under a new Trump administration proposal, hunters will once again be able to shoot bear and wolf cubs in their dens. "And I say it's about time," Jimmy Kimmel deadpanned on Wednesday's Kimmel Live. "I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of not being able to shoot bear cubs in their dens. I mean, what are you supposed to do, wait for them to waddle out adorably and start rolling around? That's not American!" He also mentioned Trump's easing of a ban on importing African elephant trophies, despite saying he wouldn't, "which is disgusting," Kimmel said, "but not only isn't the president backing down, he's going all in on this." That cued up a fake Trump TV ad, and it gets pretty dark. Eric and Donald Trump Jr. make a cameo at the end. Watch below. Peter Weber
"Donald Trump is obsessed with his staff leaking information," Stephen Colbert said on Monday's Late Show. "You know how I know that? His staff leaked that information to The New York Times. And now Trump is determined to stop it at all costs — in fact, West Wing aides are instructed to drop their personal phones into a small storage locker when they come to work. Wait a second! They're taking away the phones of everyone except Donald Trump? That's like saying, 'No one can bring knives to work — except you, O.J.'"
"Now if this sounds paranoid, it's only because it is," Colbert said. "Here's the thing: During the campaign, Trump aides were afraid that whatever they said to him would end up in the press, and behind his back they called him 'leaker in chief.'" He made a show of resisting the inevitable joke that just couldn't be contained: "More like 'leaker on sheets' — damn you, Satan!" Colbert had another faux-illicit pee-pee joke and ended up talking to an imaginary Trump on a banana, Trump-style. Watch below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert thinks he's figured out why Trump is helping China's ZTE, and it looks way worse than leaking
"There is just so much news coming out of the White House these days, and some of it they actually want you to know — that news is called leaks, and right now the Trump administration is obsessed with them," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Neither the White House nor staffer Kelly Sadler has publicly apologized for the leaked comment about Sen. John McCain "dying anyway," he noted. "In fact, White House officials seem more upset that the story leaked than that Sadler said it." How do we know that? It leaked.
"This White House is so leaky, there are even leaks about why they're leaking," Colbert said, running through some of the reasons — and how one leaker gets away with it by using other staffers' idioms in leaks to throw the White House off the scent. That leaker "added: 'Sad! Witch hunt! Fake news! I want to sleep with a porn star. I wish I was married to Sean Hannity,'" Colbert joked.
The president is incoherently furious, but "I don't get why Trump even cares about leaks, because these days he's not even trying to hide his dirt anymore," Colbert said. Everyone was baffled when Trump announced he's working to save "jobs in China" by helping phone maker ZTE, "the exact opposite of everything he has ever said — what's next, short ties?" he asked. But curiously "Trump tweeted out that announcement a mere 72 hours after the Chinese government agreed to put a half a billion dollars into an Indonesian project that will personally enrich — any guesses? — Donald Trump. He's not even trying to be subtle."
In case you didn't get the Sean Hannity joke, The Late Show re-created a bedtime conversation between Trump and the Fox News host.
And Deadpool's Ryan Reynold's interrupted the last part of Colbert's monologue and made telling Trump jokes look easy. Watch below. Peter Weber
President Trump released a video to celebrate Mother's Day, and Stephen Colbert found something lacking. "Here's the thing: In this whole video, Donald Trump doesn't once mention any of the mothers of his own children — and there's a lot to choose from," he said on Monday's Late Show. Trump also tweeted about China on Sunday, and like many people, Colbert was baffled by Trump's tweet promising jobs to Chinese phone maker ZTE. "During the campaign, Trump wouldn't shut up about how America's jobs were being stolen by China," he said. "I can't wait for his next tweet: 'Have you heard about all the problems in Mexico? We've got to let these good people into our country. Build the ramp!'"
"ZTE is no friend of the U.S.," Colbert said. U.S. spy agencies accuse it of eavesdropping on America for China and it admitted to breaking U.S. sanctions against Iran and North Korea. He recapped Monday in Jerusalem, where the U.S. inaugurated a new embassy and Palestinians were killed en masse. "Now we've just got to destabilize Antarctica and we'll have global crisis bingo," he said.
The Late Show had a few more thoughts on moving the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem.
But while the world burns, Trump is finding comfort talking to Sean Hannity, according to a new profile in New York. "They're like the Gayle and Oprah of angry old white men," Colbert said. "So what do these lovable old codgers talk about?" Apparently, TV and media criticism, and anything else that helps Trump "decompress" after a day in the Oval Office, since he doesn't live with the first lady. Trump apparently calls during the day, too, then announces it to staff. "So after a cable news pundit talks to the president of the United States, it's the president name-dropping Sean Hannity?" Colbert asked. "That's like if Beyoncé bragged about meeting the Trivago guy." Watch below. Peter Weber