"On Dec. 31, Donald Trump said his dream was for peace, specifically in the Middle East — and then on Jan .2," he "ordered the killing of Iran's top general," Qassem Soleimani, Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "What happened to peace? When most people break their resolutions, they eat ice cream instead of working out. This guy rained down fire on these motherf---ers, he ate ice cream while doing it — that's a real thing, he ate ice cream while it was happening."
"For most Americans, Iran's top general was far from a household name," but "for Iranians, Gen. Soleimani was as big as it gets," and they are aggrieved and vowing revenge, Noah said. "So now, the United States and Iran are on the brink of war, but the killing of Iran's general has a ripple effect across the entire Middle East," suggesting maybe "this thing's not going according to plan." More U.S. troops are heading to the Middle East, the fight against ISIS is on pause, Iraq voted to kick America out, and Trump is threatening to commit war crimes.
"Now, you might be wondering: How could this well-thought-out plan to assassinate an Iranian general turn out so chaotically?" Noah said. "Well, maybe it's because this plan wasn't so well-thought-out, after all."
This kind of potential "quagmire in the Middle East" is "what's been keeping you up at night for the last three years," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. "It wasn't the baggy suits, it wasn't 'covfefe,' it was his ability to wage war with no understanding of the consequences. And no one can stop him."
Trump didn't inform congressional leaders before killing Soleimani, though he did tip off guests at Mar-a-Lago, and his eventual justification that Soleimani was an "imminent threat" doesn't appear to be credible, Colbert said. "Okay, so a new, dangerous conflict in the Middle East, launched by the U.S. government on a murky premise, with 'razor thin' evidence. You know what that means: 2003 is back, baby! In 17 years, we've come full circle, from yellowcake to chocolate cake, from WMD to KFC, from shock-and-awe to shockingly awful."
Well, you can't say Trump didn't warn us, The Daily Show noted, with minimal special effects. Watch below. Peter Weber
"On Saturday, a major oil processing facility in Saudi Arabia was knocked out by multiple drone strikes," Stephen Colbert explained in Monday's monologue. Houthi rebels immediately claimed responsibility. "Now, these Houthi rebels are in Yemen, so we're going to bomb Iran — or not!" he shrugged. The Trump administration blames the Houthi allies Iran, claiming 10 drones couldn't do that much damage. "Yes, drones are highly advance tech," Colbert said. "So they've narrowed down the suspect to Iran — or your dad, who just bought a quadcopter at Best Buy."
"Our top intelligence officials think Iran did it, and so does our top unintelligence official, Donald Trump," Colbert joked. And Trump seems to think Saudi Arabia should dictate any U.S. military response. "Oh, I keep forgetting that Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman now tells the U.S. president who to attack and how," he said. "It's, of course, all part of Trump Hotels rewards program 'Rent 500 Rooms, Get a Free War!'" Trump tried to assuage fears about U.S. gas prices and the possibility of war with Iran, but Colbert had a few questions and a couple of jokes. Watch below. Peter Weber