"It was the first night of the virtual Democratic National Convention — because nothing quite fires up Americans like long speeches over Zoom," Jimmy Fallon deadpanned on Monday's Tonight Show. "There was wall-to-wall coverage on CNN and MSNBC. Meanwhile, on Fox News, there was a three-hour special called 'Kamala Harris: Where Do You Think She Was Born?'" The night's top draw was the previous first lady, he added, but "if you missed Michelle Obama's speech, don't worry, Melania will deliver the same speech at next week's Republican Convention."
"The other big story right now is the Postal Service," especially concerns "that budget cuts are going to hurt mail-in voting," Fallon said. "This is crazy. We can't send in mail-in ballots? Meanwhile, Americans can get drunk, go on Amazon, and eight hours later there's a new pair of sunglasses for their ferret waiting at their front door." Now "the House is cutting its vacation short to deal with this," he said. "You know 2020 is crazy when congressional hearings about the Postal Service are must-see TV."
"Trump is confident that the boater voters will put him over the top, but as a backup, he's also been moving ahead with Plan B: destroying the U.S. Post Office so that Democrats can't vote by mail," Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "People have all sorts of theories about why Trump is attacking the post office. One of those is that he wants to slow mail down so that ballots don't arrive in time to be counted. But another theory is that he just wants Democrats to think that the mail is going to slow down so that they don't trust the mail and they don't send their ballots at all."
No, "Trump and the Republican Party are in lockstep behind a plan to dismantle the post office that is both an assault on Democracy and the culmination of a decades-long movement to privatize one of the country's most cherished public institutions," Late Night's Seth Meyers argued. "As an election approaches in which the incumbent president just happens to be trailing badly in the polls, conservatives are suddenly concerned that the post office loses money," but "it's not a business! It's so telling that you ghouls never say stuff like this about ICE or the police." Watch his closer look below. Peter Weber
Stephen Colbert was tickled by Michael Cohen's surprise bombshell about working for President Trump, especially the part about the "golden showers in a sex club in Vegas," he said on Thursday's Late Show. "I'm sure Donald Trump would rather talk about his love life in the splash zone than how badly he has shanked the global pandemic," but he spent most of Wednesday evening's "coronavirus press briefing laser-focused on the pandemic threatening America: mail-in voting."
"Trump despises mail-in voting — and just regular voting, too — because he's way behind in the polls and he knows that, due to the pandemic, tens of millions of us will have to vote by mail," Colbert said. "So after three years spent damaging everything from international relationships to ethical norms to the Department of Justice, Trump's coming after something people actually care about: He's destroying the Post Office." Trump admitted as much, and confirmed his self-serving motive, in a Fox Business interview Thursday morning, he added. "You're not supposed to say the cheating part out loud!"
"I've never seen a villain give away a plan like that without seeing James Bond tied to a chair in front of him," Trevor Noah agreed on The Daily Show. "This is insane. Trump got impeached for trying to secretly rig the election, and his response" is to rig it out in the open? "If Trump gets his way, they're going to have to change all the 'I Voted' stickers to end in a question mark," he joked darkly. "I Voted?"
Yes, "he just admitted that he's not agreeing to a deal to fund the Postal Service because he doesn't want mail-in voting to be possible for the election," Jimmy Fallon recapped at The Tonight Show. "Trump's like one of those movie villains who spends so much time explaining his plan out loud that the good guy manages to shimmy out of his handcuffs." He actually spent most of his Fox Business interview "attacking different women," he added. "'Mad woman,' 'not smart,' and 'stone-cold crazy.' ... At this point, our best shot at getting Trump attacking COVID is someone telling him the virus ovulates."
"He called Kamala Harris a 'mad woman'?" James Corden asked on The Late Late Show. "In Trump's defense, it's probably hard for him to tell when women are really mad, given that this is how his wife smiles." Watch below. Peter Weber