1. Harrison Ford rumored to return as Han Solo in Star Wars: Episode VII
Giving us yet another opportunity to say "I have a bad feeling about this," it seems likely that Harrison Ford will reprise the role of Han Solo in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII. Total Film reports that Latino Review's El Mayimbe, who has a history of scoring film scoops, appeared on Fox News on Friday to announce that Ford's participation is a "done deal." If the rumors prove accurate, Star Wars: Episode VII will mark the second time that Ford has reprised one of his iconic performances decades after the fact, with the first being 2008's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — and we all remember how well that turned out.

2. Kim Kardashian's and Kris Humphries' divorce to be drawn out even longer
Today in news that will make exhausted gossip columnists weep: Professional Kim Kardashian divorcer Kris Humphries — who reportedly has a side gig as an NBA player — has had his divorce season extended even further. USA Today reports that Humphries' lawyer is so tired of the seemingly endless divorce proceedings that he has requested to leave the case — which could delay the case even more. The lawyer reported cites "irreconcilable differences," in a twist so delightfully ironic that O. Henry could have written it.

3. Ashton Kutcher admits that some of his films "suck donkey"
Ashton Kutcher might want to think about getting out of acting and into film criticism, because his appraisal of his own work is dead-on. "I know exactly what films I've done that f---ing suck donkey," said a needlessly graphic (but accurate) Kutcher during an interview with Esquire, reports Gossip Center, though it's hard to imagine anyone criticizing cinematic gems like What Happens in Vegas and Dude, Where's My Car? Kutcher goes on to assure us that his upcoming Steve Jobs biopic jOBS is not one of those donkey-sucking movies — and given his track record, we should clearly take him at his word.

4. Mariah Carey offers weirdly exhaustive rundown of her Valentine's Day
What could be more romantic than a couple spending a quiet evening together on Valentine's Day? How about spending the night tweeting about it to nearly 9 million people. Mariah Carey spent much of her Valentine's Day documenting her Valentine's Day on Twitter, offering intimate pictures of a bubble bath, a carriage ride, and a rose petal-covered bed. (The full set of pictures can be viewed at BuzzFeed.) Carey tagged the carriage ride picture as "a kiss delicately scented with horse dung" — unintentionally evoking exactly how it feels to look through the gallery.

5. Donald Trump says Beyonce's halftime performance was "ridiculous and not appropriate"
Once again filling the role of America's opinionated, cantankerous grandpa, Donald Trump has belatedly weighed in on Beyonce's Super Bowl halftime show — and shockingly, he was less than impressed. "When Beyonce was thrusting her hips forward in a very suggestive manner, if someone else would have done that, it would have been a national scandal," said Trump at The Huffington Post. "I thought it was ridiculous. I thought it was not appropriate." Readers can presumably look forward to his opinion on next week's Oscar ceremony sometime in the middle of April.