1. Kim Kardashian blames Kris Humphries for dragging out divorce
As you've probably been unable to avoid learning over the past few weeks, Kim Kardashian is pregnant with Kanye West's baby. But according to TMZ, there's a chance she might still be married to NBA player Kris Humphries when the baby is born in June. Kardashian is reportedly furious with Humphries for dragging out the divorce proceedings, which have now lasted more than a year longer than their 72-day marriage. She feels that he's being "spiteful and vindictive" — which, given that Humphries is accusing her of committing fraud when she married him, is a fairly safe bet.

2. Kate Middleton would prefer to spend birthday "privately"
What do you get for the duchess who has everything? Nothing! It may be her 31st birthday, but the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, would prefer to celebrate "privately," says People, before proceeding to run a whole article about it anyway. With no further information, People boldly speculates that the pregnant Middleton is unlikely to be "toasting her 31st birthday with glasses of bubbly." The Week would like to add that Middleton probably won't celebrate her birthday by operating heavy machinery.

3. Miley Cyrus gets cuddly with cardboard Harry Styles cutout
"Miley Cyrus tweeted a picture of herself in bed with Harry Styles!" screamed a thousand misleading headlines this morning, before eventually revealing that Cyrus had posed with a life-size cardboard cutout of the One Direction singer on her sister's 13th birthday. But according to the New York Daily News, Styles' fans still didn't appreciate the tongue-in-cheek gesture. "In no way do I want Harry. No offense," tweeted a defensive Cyrus, after fans of Styles descended upon her Twitter feed like a biblical storm of locusts. "I'm sure that'll be a story now 2." And here we are.

4. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part II earns 11 Razzie nominations
Just a day before the Oscar nominations are scheduled to be announced, the final installment in the critically-derided, tween-adored Twilight franchise earned an impressive 11 nods at the Razzies, which annually honor the year's worst in film. According to CBS NewsThe Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part II's many nominations include  Worst Actor (Robert Pattinson), Worst Actress (Kristen Stewart), and Worst Picture — but not Most Stupidly Unwieldy Title, if only because that category doesn't exist.

5. Mark Wahlberg does weather and traffic on local Philadelphia news station
Perhaps indicating the kind of desperation that can only come from agreeing to star in Transformers 4, Mark Wahlberg showed up on Philadelphia's WTXF to do the weather and traffic. USA Today reports that Wahlberg started off well, but quickly began ad-libbing his own nuggets of wisdom, including "Expect delays here […] stop and get yourself a hoagie" — which is, in Wahlberg's defense, always good advice.