1. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles reportedly break up
Today, in news that is inexplicably shocking everyone: Taylor Swift — who has literally built a career on a string of breakup songs — and her teenaged beau Harry Styles have reportedly called it quits after dating for just two months. According to USA Today, the short-lived couple allegedly "had a big fight" in the days following their kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, which was scrutinized more closely than the Zapruder tape. It remains to be seen whether Swift and Styles will ever ever ever get back together.

2. Fifty Shades of Grey screenwriter says the movie will be NC-17
Many fans have expressed doubt that "mommy porn" favorite Fifty Shades of Grey could ever arrive on the big screen with its irresistible mix of sadomasochism and uber-unhealthy relationship dynamics intact — but screenwriter Kelly Marcel is doing her best to quell those fears. "We are 100 percent going there," promises Marcel at The Hollywood Reporter. ""It will be rated NC-17. It will be raunchy." Marcel is expected to hold firm until Universal insists that the movie actually make money, at which point the film's creative team will be "75 percent going there" for an R rating.

3. Johnny Knoxville invites Al Roker to shart in the next Jackass movie
Earlier this week, Al Roker set a new standard for oversharing when he revealed that he "sharted" — a compound word that means exactly what it sounds like — during a visit to the White House. But if Roker ever wants to turn his embarrassing moment into a job, Johnny Knoxville has invited him to do it again in the next Jackass movie. "That makes my day," said Knoxville in an interview with TMZ. "If Al Roker ever wants to shart in Jackass, he's more than invited." Here's hoping the next installment isn't in 3D.

4. Tommy Chong credits Justin Bieber's success to marijuana
In recent days, Justin Bieber has been plagued by allegations that he smoked pot at a recent party. But according to the entirely unbiased Tommy Chong, Bieber's fame and fortune doesn't come from natural ability or hard work: It comes from marijuana.  "It's not just his looks. It's his talent," Chong told TMZ. "And you don't get talent like that by drinking alcohol. The herb, man! The herb!" Chong also presumably credits "the herb" for his own success, including his seminal performance in 2006's Evil Bong.

5. Adrien Brody to star in least promising movie ever
Formerly respected actor Adrien Brody is set to star in InAPPropriate Comedy, a new movie directed by Vince Offer, who you probably know much better as the ShamWow! guy. Gawker has the film's extremely not-safe-for-work trailer, which offers a two-minute glimpse of Brody making a convincing case that the Academy should be allowed to revoke Oscars retroactively. InAPPropriate Comedy also stars Rob Schneider, Michelle Rodriguez, and every lazy ethnic stereotype its writers could imagine.