The patronizing, phony morality of Super Bowl ad makers

Come for the game. Stay captive for the lecture.

The Super Bowl provides one of the few cultural touchstones shared by almost the entire country — and a good portion of the world, too. Christmas and Independence Day are widely celebrated in similar manner across the country, but either in family groups or in communities, not as a national experience. Even in the days of only three national broadcasters, nothing unified American culture like today's Super Bowl extravaganza.

Ironically, and despite Sunday's fourth-quarter excitement, the game itself is usually not particularly interesting. But that hardly lessens the enthusiasm for the event, which has become a quite a circus. Herded under the Super Bowl's big tent, we now have the Obligatory Presidential Interview, hours and hours of pre-game analysis, and debates over the halftime entertainment — which, until recently, trended toward the classic rock era that lost everyone below the age of 40.

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The ads, too, have long been a central part of the spectacle. Ad time is obscenely expensive during the Super Bowl, and advertisers plan all year to find the most clever, humorous, inventive, and memorable ways to sell their products and services. Thirty-second spots for this year's Super Bowl sold at the astronomical price of $4.5 million.

Most of these advertisers wasted their cash — particularly because so many wasted their most valuable time lecturing people rather than selling their services. And not surprisingly, many consumers trashed them — both for their arrogance and the lack of comprehension over what makes the Super Bowl such a cultural force.

The worst of the offenders took a morbid look at home safety.

Nationwide's 45-second spot cast a pall on the proceedings, almost literally, by lecturing viewers on household dangers from the perspective of a 10-year-old boy. Excuse me, a dead 10-year-old boy. Social media erupted when the ad aired, and so many viewers complained that the insurer felt the need to defend itself later that evening. "The sole purpose of this message," Nationwide said in response, "was to start a conversation, not sell insurance."

They spent nearly $7 million for 45 seconds of air time to start a conversation? Nationwide's shareholders may be surprised to hear that. And they certainly succeeded in starting a conversation, but not in the manner they anticipated. The ad became fodder for ruthless jokes, while others spent hours ripping the advertisement for its lecturing tone.

Nationwide was hardly alone. McDonald's didn't go for the morbid, but instead expanded on its current "Lovin'" advertising theme to offer free meals for what can only be called stupid customer tricks.

Instead of asking for payment, cashiers in one location insisted that the price of the food was calling one's mother to say "I love you," or embracing a family member, and so on. Some even had to dance for their dinner. The intent was to promote pleasantness, but most people express themselves well enough without having to perform on demand for a Big Mac.

And so it continued throughout the game. Jeep promoted global environmentalism to a cover of Woody Guthrie's "This Land," which was written about the U.S. Always, the maker of feminine hygiene products, scolded everyone who used the phrase "like a girl" in a derogatory manner.

Among the worst was an inexplicable ad from Nissan called "With Dad."

The 90-second spot uses one of the worst lecture songs of the 1970s, Harry Chapin's "Cat's in the Cradle," to chide a father who races cars for a living. For those unfamiliar with the song, it tells the sad story of a father who's too busy with a career to play with his son, and the son ends up not having much time for his father once he grows up. What this has to do with a car purchase is anyone's guess, but the dad in the Nissan ad survives a car crash at one point (which is how Harry Chapin died at age 38, by the way). After surviving the crash and missing more than a decade of his son's life, though, Dad wins him back by quitting his career … and buying a Nissan, naturally.

This year, we didn't just get bad jokes and shaky premises, but patronizing and nonsensical lectures courtesy of the deep philosophical thinkers on Madison Avenue. The ads sucked the fun out of the Super Bowl extravaganza.

And that's the key: The Super Bowl attracts so much attention because of the fun people have with it. Dead children and bribes for calling mom aren't fun — they're wagging fingers of guilt. We gather at the televisions for the NFL's finale to have a few hours of carefree fun, not to be scolded about our family life. Want to have "a conversation" about how your customers can't live their lives properly? Run the ads on cable-news outlets and during daytime talk shows. Want to advertise during the Super Bowl? Indulge your creativity and sell your goods and services — or save your money and let us enjoy the event.

Oh, and hand off the ball to Marshawn Lynch when you're one yard outside the end zone and the championship is on the line. But that's a rant for another day.