Why I love Soylent's breakfast in a bottle

Coffiest is a caffeinated food-like product. And I'm hooked.

Breakfast in a bottle.
(Image credit: Coffiest/Soylent)

I am the worst person in the world. I've always vaguely suspected this — why am I so cavalier about using my roommates' toiletries? What did my college Shakespeare professor see when she stared at me, aghast, after I called Richard III "appealing"? — but now I have confirmation. After months of feeling shamefully curious about Soylent, the new tech-bro-invented product that promises to let you nourish your body without bothering to eat actual food, I finally bought some.

Actually, I did something even worse. I bought a crate of Coffiest, a Soylent product that combines meal-replacing plant proteins with 150 milligrams of caffeine and promises to help you avoid the hassle of brewing coffee each morning, i.e. roughly 73 percent of my cultural heritage as a Portlander. And then — even more unforgivably — I promptly fell in love with it. See what I mean? The worst.

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Sarah Marshall's writings on gender, crime, and scandal have appeared in The Believer, The New Republic, Fusion, and The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2015, among other publications. She tweets @remember_Sarah.