What your World Cup team of choice says about you

If you're an American, odds are you don't give a hoot about soccer and know next to nothing about the sport. (Hint: It's the game where hands are verboten and feigning death is encouraged.) But this is the World Cup, and no one wants to feel left out.

Supporting Team USA is your birthright, even if you don't know the difference between a red card and a yellow card. Supporting the nation of your ancestors is acceptable, too, since you can lay some claim to kinship.

But there will be plenty of games where USA won't be playing. And given that the red, white, and blue has a pretty poor chance of making it out of the first round, you'll need another team to root for.

Subscribe to The Week

Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.

SUBSCRIBE & SAVE

Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters

From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.

From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.

Sign up

Here are some definitive truths about what sorts of people each squad attracts. For the casual fan, latching on to these sides means you:

Group A

Brazil

Also root for the Yankees and the Heat.

Croatia

Have a thing for underdogs that go deep in the tournament.

Mexico

Get a perverse kick out of supporting America's fiercest regional nemesis.

Cameroon

Are a fan of stylish goal celebrations.

**

Group B

Spain

Enjoy endless passing.

Netherlands

Are a world-class soccer snob.

Chile

Prefer your soccer turned up to 11.

Australia

Saw Air Bud and mistakenly believe kangaroos can play soccer.

**

Group C

Colombia

Want to remind everyone of the greatest hair in World Cup history.

Greece

Are a glutton for 0-0 draws.

Côte d'Ivoire

Bow down to Yaya Toure.

Japan

Have got Nate Silver beat.

**

Group D

Uruguay

Think the first World Cup was the best World Cup.

Costa Rica

Are unfazed by mutant insects, but petrified by snow.

England

Swing violently between triumphant dreams of glory to the humiliating realization of your mediocrity.

Italy

Prefer to communicate with your eyebrows and hands.

**

Group E

Switzerland

Are completely ambivalent about everyone and everything, including your own ambivalence.

Ecuador

Like to keep things simple.

France

Are still pining for the days of Lilian Thuram, Fabian Barthez, and Zinedine Zidane.

Honduras

Can find a silver lining in a world-leading murder rate.

**

Group F

Argentina

Believe wholeheartedly in cheating and divine intervention.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Are a fan of first-timers.

Iran

Weirdly admire a team that takes the game seriously enough to dub its opponent the Great Satan.

Nigeria

Are a fan of Super Eagles as well as bald ones.

**

Group G

Germany

Are no fun at all.

Portugal

Are thinking about Cristiano Ronaldo's abs right now and/or are Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ghana

Live for American schadenfreude, or ignored the last two World Cups.

United States

Are a damn fine patriot.

**

Group H

Belgium

Prefer your European soccer with a dash of Africa.

Algeria

Just read The Stranger.

Russia

Are being monitored by the NSA.

South Korea

Are a Samsung shareholder.